The Rant and Rage: The United States of Christmas

I give up! Fine, you win Christmas. You and the mindless fools who support you can take what’s left of the year and just buy, buy, buy while playing the crappiest music next to contemporary Christian and continue the delusion that it is all for giving and love and whatever feel-good excuses you muster up. I’m throwing in the towel.

Every year, Christmas advances like an empire taking over new territory. First the beloved Thanksgiving holiday was toppled. Thanksgiving, in case you forgot already, is that holiday on the fourth Thursday of every November. It is meant to celebrate family and be thankful for what you have—even during harsh economic times such as these. But Christmas wasn’t happy with its month of December, so it gathered its forces of consumerism and marched towards Thanksgiving and seized the month of November.

Stores would have Santas and Christmas trees displayed earlier and earlier, until Christmas hit the borders of October—the province of Halloween. It wouldn’t be long before Christmas would march forward into October. This year I witnessed Grinch figurines on display next to bags of Halloween candy. My own bah humbuggery too came early this year as I found books of “A Christmas Carol” strategically placed in customers’ view.

That’s three months you’ve taken Christmas! A whole quarter of the year. So screw it! There’s also the Christmas-in-July celebrations on the complete opposite end of the year. Just take it—take the whole year. Let’s just give in and let the holiday be a year round buying fest. Retailers do most of their business during this gift buying season—imagine what having it all year would do.

In fact, let’s have a new American revolution. If we love Christmas so much, let it take over our whole country. I propose that we form a new United States of Christmas. The official uniform of the president could be a Santa suit while senators would dress like elves. Children would pledge allegiance to a Christmas tree as a promise to buy a gift for everyone they know, and official seals would be within Christmas wreaths.

Imagine the bi-partisan cooperation that would be encouraged if Democrats and Republicans held regular Secret Santa parties. Republicans wouldn’t be so quick to say “no” to everything once John Boehner got that new set of golf clubs he’s had his eye on from Nancy Pelosi.

We could even keep the whole separation of church and state idea because—let’s face it—Christmas has nothing to do with religion.

Thanksgiving once held a deep religious association. Thankfulness also included gratitude towards God. But such connotations have subsided over time and now the Holiday is viewed as a basic family holiday—a time for loved ones to gather. Like Thanksgiving, Christmas once had religious roots too. “What” you gasp—it’s true. It wasn’t always a gift giving frenzy and consumer driven massacre. There was this whole Christian thing about Christ being born, and folks would sing about—but that’s all gone now. Now, everyone takes part in Christmas which is more about beating the crap out of fellow consumers over video games and over-stuffed children’s toy the news outlets say is trendy this year—all for the love and happiness of giving from the heart.

If Christians truly cared about the religious significance of Christmas, they would have started paying attention to what the Bible has to say about it a long time ago—you know, the parts about not mixing consumerism with their religion, or the part about not putting up trees to decorate inside your home.

While on the subject, let’s just get it straight that Christmas is not the birthday of Jesus. I know folks are going to freak out, but there really isn’t any way to know when the guy was born. Sure we can make educated guesses, but we don’t know. Christmas has been held on various days of the year, among various cultures over time. We know it in its winter context as it morphed with a variety of European cultures and traditions—combining and evolving over time to what we got now. I mean, come on—you didn’t actually think Santa was in the Bible now did you?

So there—you win Christmas. You just keep seizing more and more time out of the year and no one seems to give a damn. Let’s all just buy into the holiday, keep spending money we don’t have, continue fighting in Wal-Mart and wrap it up with a Christmas bow. ?