The Rant & Rage: Get your own damn change!

Actually, I do have some spare change. But you certainly can’t have it, you gutter punk piece of shit! It’s mine and I earned it honestly without mooching off of my goodhearted neighbors.

You know what’s sad? I really have a bleeding heart for the homeless, of which Portland has its fair share. And these pathetic gutter punks are destroying my innocent sensitivity to the issue. Yours truly has no problem tossing a buck out here or there to those in need. But let’s get one thing straight: gutter punks are not in need. They are perfectly able to get their own damn money. And I especially loathe them for making me utter this terribly tired cliché but: Get a damn job!

You obviously seem to be able to hold down a street corner for specified times of the day, now let’s see if you can hold down some work for the same amount of time.

What’s that? Oh yeah, “work.” It’s services you provide in exchange for that money you are always asking me for. It’s like prostitution, only, well…yeah it’s like prostitution. Maybe cleaner. I’m sure some folks would agree that after work they may feel used, walked upon or unappreciated. However, it is undoubtedly far more respectable than your impression of a homeless person.

You gutter punks don’t need my money. You know how I know this? I am fully aware of how much your expenses are.

Let’s take the free-spirited independent gutter punk, easily boiled down into a common stereotype: Misfits hoodie, studded belt and combat boots that aren’t really combat boots but overpriced gaudy knockoffs. I don’t give two shits about dyed hair or dreadlocks, but I damn well know that costs money too! These things actually aren’t very cheap—in fact, they are fairly expensive.

People, the previously mentioned Misfits attire can run you anywhere from $20 to $50, according to my expert two-minute online research. And that pyramid studded belt? At least $20 if you shop around. And combat boots! The real deal costs above $100, and an army surplus store won’t fare too much better. Those patches can really add up too. The ones you posers pin all over your leather jackets like a billboard of you. Hey, I dig Black Flag too, but I really don’t care if you do.

You willing hobos don’t need our help. You know who does? The terribly high number of people who became homeless this past year as our unemployment rate headed further toward the sky. According to a May 2009 press release from Oregon Housing and Community Services (OHCS), last year saw 17,122 people homeless in Oregon. 2008 had 12,529 people. A good number of these people, according to OHCS, previously had jobs and homes.

Other folks hitting hard times, mental illness or an undesirable home life are all too common plagues of our society. That is where we should be directing our aid.

Some asshole who thinks that a nice pair of patched-up pants accompanying a septum piercing (around $50), is more important than a place to stay or food is not worthy of our contribution.

I’ll be the asshole for now and tell all you sidewalk patrons to keep your money right in your pocket. And if you really want to help, save it for someone who needs it. Give it to Sisters of the Road, a rescue mission or anyone who actually lends a helping hand to the genuinely needy.

So the answer is a big fat no. You can’t have some change. But here’s some advice instead: Get off your ass!