The Rant & Rage: Ho ho hold on!

I was walking through a department store last month—let’s call it “Teddies”—contemplating costume ideas for my favorite holiday event of the year. I couldn’t help but notice that a week before Halloween, seasonal items for another coming holiday were already going on sale. One that is not fast approaching.

What the hell?! We hadn’t even gotten dolled up yet for the drunken candy-giving festival and retailers were already foaming at the mouth for a different holiday—not the next one, but the one after that, two whole months away. They were even dropping prices on Halloween items, trying to rush them out the door and clear shelf space.

Look, Christmas blows. I don’t like it, but I will save my discontent for that yuletide crock for another rant. What the hell is up with stocking shelves with Christmas lights, decorations and gift ideas? We haven’t even begun to think about Thanksgiving. You know, that other gluttonous family holiday that comes an entire month before Christmas. We are supposed to give thanks for everything we have before we start to think about all the crap we don’t have and want others to get for us.

But no, that’s not good enough for stores these days, and it’s not just my good old neighborhood “Teddies.” National Public Radio released a story on Oct. 11 highlighting the fact that retailers are getting a bigger jump on the holiday season than usual by getting out the Christmas crap early. Look, stocking the shelves over two months in advance is not a jump, it’s a huge damn soaring leap with a run up to it!

NPR further reported that since a whole load of us Americans don’t have any jobs or money, stores are getting Christmas greed—er, cheer—out early to try and make up for the pending lack of bucks they’ll make off of us this year. Look, if we won’t have the money later, and we sure as hell don’t have the money now, then it’s time to just give up. Take the loss. I know, it’s so sad that some CEO of a giant retail chain won’t get to gold plate his toilet seat this year to grace his gold-plated ass. And you better believe there is a CEO somewhere with a gold-plated ass.

Then again, not having money has never stopped us from buying stuff before. Hmm…

Some Sears store even made headlines, as reported in the San Francisco Gate on Monday, Nov. 2, when they moved their “Black Friday” holiday buying event up to be just before or after Halloween, depending on which store you go to. Some locations on the East Coast had it the day after Halloween, some in San Francisco had it up to a week before. Listen you pathetic, Christmas-craving idiots, the day after Thanksgiving is when we’re supposed to pile over each other, crowding through doors and trampling over other shoppers and breaking their arms, not now! Are we just that sad as a country?

So give it up already. We should be getting down with deep-fried turkeys, gravy and ham—that’s right, plenty of ham too, and I suppose we could throw in a little salad on the side as well. Forget that damn Santa, but don’t forget Thanksgiving!