The Street Savage

Anonymous 1

I’m doing an article about awkward and embarrassing situations. Can you tell me about one?

From what period of my life? I have so, so many.

Any period, anything that sticks out in your mind at this moment.

There was this one thing that happened when I was in Catholic school when I was in seventh grade. We were having our Christmas skit, and so my class was doing something about different uses for the Bible. So there were all these different scenes where somebody would press something flat, or beat somebody over the head, or hide a note, just like different uses for the Bible. And so my scene was that I was a boy who rose from the dead and I took the flower and put it in between the pages of the Bible, so I could have it forever! I was wearing this, like…it was kind of a mime kind of deal, we were all wearing black and there was no talking. I was wearing this short black dress and panty hose. And I had to, like, bend down and put the Bible down so that the people in the next scene could use it and I mooned the entire audience, like, hundreds of people.

Did they laugh?

I had no idea until the eighth graders told me. That was especially mortifying because I was a seventh grader and the eighth graders told me!

They saw your butt!

Everybody saw my butt.

Did they make fun of you?

No, I don’t think they had to. I guess it was bad enough. But it was Catholic school too, it wasn’t like a normal group of people, it was Catholics, so it was especially bad. You’re not supposed to have a butt if you’re Catholic.

No, you’re not. I’m still trying to deal with that myself, I’m still trying to…

…handle the fact that you have a butt?

Yeah.

That’s my embarrassing story, and fortunately it was many, many years ago, so it’s better now.

Anonymous 2 (guy with lisp)

Can you tell me about the last awkward or embarrassing moment you experienced?

Um…let’s thee…

Or the last one you can think of…

Yeah, I’m trying man, I’m trying…

Maybe you were trying to hit on somebody and you said something stupid. Maybe you farted in an elevator. Maybe you were caught masturbating. Did your mom ever catch you masturbating?

Yeah, it wathn’t too awkward though.

It wasn’t too awkward? Did she like it?

No, but I did…no, honethly, to tell you the truth, pubeth in the teeth man. It was a very bad moment.

What does that mean?

I ate out a girl and she didn’t shave and like nekth morning I had pubeth in my teeth.

How did you get them out?

I picked them out.

You didn’t use any special implements?

No, juth my handth and my fingerth.

Next time you should use hands and fingers to do that sort of business.I think I will.

But then you get it in your fingernails.

That’th true. I’ll wear glovth.

And then you have to go to church. I don’t know if you’re Catholic…

I am.

You might have pubes in your fingernails and it goes in the holy water.

Yeah, that’th not a good thing.

Anonymous 3

Sorry to disturb you from your music listening, but can I interview you?

About what?

About your last embarrassing or awkward situation.

I actually threw up in biology two weeks ago ’cause I was really hung over.

Did you have to clean it up?

No, I didn’t know what to do, so I just left.

Yeah, what do you do?

You can’t save face after something like that.

You’re not supposed to be getting drunk before biology class!

Dude, it’s like 8 in the morning, I went to bed at like 5, so it was bad.

Did people say stuff?

Nah, they were just kinda like [makes shocked face]…

Describe that in words, because I’m recording this.

They were like shocked and drawn back and nobody knew what to say so I was pretty much like, “I’m gonna go to the bathroom, later!”

That’s a pretty good one…what did the barf look like?

Uh, it was like little chunks of omelet mixed with beer.

Oh my god, that’s so gross!

Dude, it was bad.

And the class probably had to endure the smell. Are you still in that class?

Yeah, I am. It’s pretty shitty, going into it. Luckily it’s huge. It’s like 300 people.

But they’re still gonna know you as the guy that barfed omelet in class. And they probably give you looks of shame every day, do they not?

Yeah, it’s pretty awkward all the time.

Anonymous 4

Can you describe an awkward moment?

Yeah, I was at the Happy Pants Larry and the Wunderdancers show at the Loveland. I was crowd surfing and my pants fell off.

Could people see your wang?

They could see my ass, and the shit was grabbed and they dropped me.

Did any fingers go in…

No!

…in there?

No.

Would you like that?

No.

Why?

Because no!

Anonymous 5

What was an awkward moment you experienced?

I do tae kwon do, and before every workout you do, you sit down and meditate. Everybody’s quiet and you collect your thoughts. I was probably 13 at the time. I was fairly new to the school at the time. It had just started up. Some people had been working at it for the past year. We had just started to become friends, and I let one rip. And usually when you’re standing you can squeeze it so it’s like “ssssssss,” but because I was sitting on like a pad, a mat…

You have your stuff opened up.

There’s a lot of flapping happening, there’s a lot resonance, you can’t blame that one on the dog, or say, “I scraped my foot along the chair weird and it made that sound,” because everybody is sitting. And of course you have the whole, everybody stay in place and not be laughing. But how can 13-year-olds not laugh at that?