The top and bottom of Portland, Oregon

Due to the marginal success of our “The top and bottom of PSU”article a few weeks back, the Vanguard decided to extend the Topand Bottom to some other aspects of our over-interesting, famouslives.

The Top

The city is blessed with youth
The average age of a Portlander is 35. Go anywhere in the Midwestand you’ll run into an army of baby boomers carrying golf clubs andBibles, wearing eight shades of khaki and loafers without socks.The Boomers in Portland ride their bikes to work. And their work isusually positive, like restoring watersheds for the survival ofbaby tortoise eggs or creating a positive work environment forimmigrant giraffes or something.

The blocks are 200 feet long
I can’t stress how important this is to Portland. We live in themost walkable city in the U.S. of A. Sure it’s compact, but theshort blocks allow you to believe you’re covering a lot of groundin a short amount of time. Really, you’re just seeing a lot ofstuff as you go. Don’t get it? Go out to Cedar Hills Blvd. and tryto walk around Beaverton. Try not to kill yourself. Now, take theMAX to downtown and walk from Pioneer Square to Northwest 23rd. Ah,much better.

The Blazers get in trouble so we don’t have to
We have the least well-behaved basketball team west of RikersIsland. I won’t bore you with the entire rap sheet, but it’s longand diverse. Possession, assault, resisting, inciting, spitting,smuggling, driving under the influence and more or less justsucking. Our beloved Jail Blazers always keep it interesting on,off and in the court. Rip City!

The mountains and ocean
An obvious one, I know, but what beats skipping school to go to theEarth’s coldest and rainiest shore? Actually it’s more of a teasebecause to swim in it is to shiver to death. Sure is purdy,though.

It’s cheap
No sales tax, low rent, affordable goods and services. Yeah, noone’s got a job, but at least you don’t have to move back in withyour parents because of it. You can get by here rather easily.

The Bottom

The rain
There’s just no way to spin this, the rain fucking sucks. EvenLewis and Clark knew this, and quickly “peaced out” of the region,or so I’ve read. Nine months of rain is just ridiculous, I don’tcare how much you like to read. The only good effect, if any, isthat it keeps a lot of sun-lovin’ kooks from moving here.

It’s boring
This is a direct result of the rain, because summer sure isn’tboring. Medium sized city + shit weather = big bore. There’s plentygoing on I guess, but who wants to leave the house when it lookslike “The Nothing” from “The Never Ending Story” outside? To betruly happy in Portland it’s necessary to get out of town every fewmonths.

Portlanders are socially retarded
Another result of the rain? Clickity cliques everywhere you go. Iseveryone stuck inside too long to reach out to one another and say,”Hello, I want to be your friend, care for you and nurture what wewill eventually have”? Is that so hard? Or do we live in an entirecity of acquaintances?

The Seattle comparisons
Seattle can go to hell. Besides Dick’s Burgers and thrown fish,what do they have? Traffic, high rent, dot com and that unavoidableand irreversible grunge tag. Fucking wheeeeee. To this day mygrandma asks me how I’m “doing out there in Seattle.”
Just fine, Grandma.

The gutter punks
How boring are these assholes? If you said, “so boring,” you’re noteven scraping the crusty surface. It’d be nice if our gutter punkswere actually “punk,” but no. We get these stupid kids in Starterjackets with dreadlocks talking about how Ro Ro is their street momand brag about their Hep C. And why? Because it’s a hobby to behomeless. Some people play music, some skateboard, some cycle,others drink coffee and write bad poetry. These kids are worthlessfor the fun of it. So stupid it hurts. Spare change? Doses?