The world according to Miles

Portland State’s not for me. I’ve realized the best school ever would be a private girl’s school like the one in the “Facts of Life.”

I know what you’re thinking, that Miles has his fat head in the gutter, gosh darn pre-vert! Honestly, I’m too scared for the old biz-nasty. I’m frankly frigging freaked because our government may illegally invade Iraq and end the lives of thousands of people so the U.S. can have the most oil and be detested by everybody except England.

So I’ve been putting myself to sleep at night with reruns of the “Facts of Life.” What good times those ladies had in that private girl’s school! Old Mrs. Garrett had to scold them from time to time, but they usually made everything peachy again in, like, 30 minutes. How’d they do it? Late-night pajama chats!

I think this country’s “leaders” need some late-night pajama chats. That goofball president is certainly on vacation enough for them.

I know he sits in his PJs with a facial mask on, chatting with Dick and Don about how – after the Iraq invasion, when the dead are buried – how rich the top 5 percent will get while things get all screwed up for all of us not in private girl’s school or starring in the next “Facts of Life” reunion movie. One time, the prissy Blair (I think she was a Republican) had a facial mask on and the tough “tomboy” Jo gave her a real razzing! That sure was funny.

I shared those and other thoughts with my elected representatives, but I’m not sure if the messages I’ve left for the few representatives threatening to filibuster in opposition to killing Iraqis have gotten through. I think Tootie or Natalie, whoever the smart one was, once said that elected representatives assume that a phone call to them from one constituent actually reflects the opinion of 300! And that was a long time ago.

That show teaches us so much. The answer is all in the title song: “You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and then you have, the facts of life. The Facts of Life.”

I always had a crush on Jo, played by Nancy McKeon. Remember that short-lived urinary advice column in the humorous Portland Mercury, “It Burns When I’m Peein,” by Nancy McKeon? One woman wrote in describing her fantasies about Jo and Blair going down on each other. It made me think about that facial-mask episode, hilarious! McKeon just seemed irked and asked if people could stick to urinary-problem questions.

After using that last paragraph to think, I’m pretty sure the smart one was Natalie, which is ironic because Mindy Cohn (Natalie’s other name) has made an interesting career move. She’s supposed to be in a yet-to-be-aired reality show on the WB tentatively titled “The Surreal Life.” I was hoping it would be “Facts of Life Bachelorettes in Portland,” but it’s much, much weirder.

Cohn will join Mr. “Ex-Motley Crue singing, alleged record executive beating, not as popular as my well hung drummer” Vince Neil; Mr.”U can’t touch me because I blew my loot and turned to Christianity” M.C. Hammer; Mr. “Don’t call me cute because I’m vertically challenged and a friend of Michael Jackson, forever known as ‘Webster'” Emmanuel Lewis; and Ms. “Oh-my-god, can you believe I posed for Playboy after starring in ‘Baywatch Hawaii?'” Brande Roderick.

In addition to acquiring super-long middle names, this cast doesn’t even need jokes made about them. The potential hilarious outcomes are so predictable that the WB doesn’t even need to air this show. But we sure hope they do.

Neil will get drunk and hit on “Baywatch”‘s Roderick. She’ll shut him down. There will be plenty of Tommy and Pamela (“Baywatch” and Motley Crue) references. Hammer will draw everybody in with some fresh dance moves and two or three cool stories about L.L. Cool J., then aggravate everyone with Christian lectures.

Then there’s Lewis. A tough little nut to crack, that Webster. Has he grown? What’s he like? My prediction is that he’ll either annoy the shit out of everyone (though not as much as Christian Hammer Time,) or charm their pants off. Maybe Cohn and Lewis will get married and host a talk show! Cohn will be like, “Hey everybody, I was Natalie in ‘Facts of Life,’ I was the smart one, and now I do voices for cartoons! Scooby Dooby Doo rules! Call your elected representatives. Your voice stands for 300! Nancy McKeon and cranberry juice cured my urinary tract infection!”

I think I’ll pour a glass of cranberry juice myself and go call those representatives again now.