The wrong burger flipper for America

If you flip through the network TV channels for any length oftime, it seems almost impossible to avoid coming across at leasttwo or three attack ads related to the upcoming election. Anyonewho watches TV on a regular basis “knows” that John Kerry voted for$900 billion in tax increases, is more liberal than Trotsky andwants gas prices to keep rising until everyone switches to drivinga rickshaw. They also “know” that nothing warms George W. Bush’sblack heart more than seeing American jobs being shipped offoverseas as if they were so many US servicemen. These ads are oftenunderhanded and always annoying, but they are put together byagencies that do know advertising, and obviously they wouldn’t beso prevalent if they weren’t deadly effective. The vast majority ofthe TV viewing audience isn’t going to spend hours researching allthe claims made; they’re going to continue sitting on their assuntil “Friends” comes back on.

Yes, they’re annoying, but ads tearing down the opponent alwaysseem to reach people better than ads building the candidate up.It’s been proven over and over that you have to go dirty to win.This has led me wonder if the campaign advertising model might gainsomeone an advantage in areas of life besides just the rarified airof a presidential campaign.

McDonalds Corporation-Application for Employment
Name: Travis Willmore
Position Desired: cashier/burger flipper
Current Employer: PSU Vanguard
Current Position: Professional Motormouth
Length of time at current position: three years

Why I am applying for a position at McDonalds: I felt I owed itto the McDonalds Corporation to run for this position when I foundthat someone else was applying who is woefully underqualified forthe job. Bob Kaznicky is an indolent slob who has been fired fromseveral previous jobs due to laziness, incompetence and fraud. Tohire him would be the wrong thing for America, and the wrong thingfor McDonalds. He is currently on probation for possession of acontrolled substance, a fact that he did NOT disclose on hisemployment application. In fact, in the space where you aresupposed to check “Yes” or “No” to the question, “Have you everbeen convicted of a crime?” he blatantly checked “No.” This mancannot be trusted. He is delinquent on his child support payments,and if someone can’t be trusted not to rip off his own children,how can he be trusted not to rip off the McDonalds Corporation andto rip off America? McDonalds deserves better than this. Betterthan an applicant who only passed the test to get his foodhandler’s card on the third try. Better than a habitual alcoholicand marijuana user with abysmal personal hygiene. One of his fewex-girlfriends reportedly left him because he only showers threetimes a day, is constantly drunk, and would rather sit in front ofhis Playstation all night than try to please her. Is this the kindof person you want flipping your burgers and making your change?Doesn’t the fast-food-eating public deserve more? This is anapplicant who will tarnish the dignity of the office ofCashier/Burger Flipper. If hired, Mr. Kaznicky has pledged to giveall his friends free burgers if they come in when the manager isn’taround. He will also most likely continue a practice he beganshortly before being fired from Starbucks, that of overchargingcustomers and then pocketing the difference. He has even been heardto express interest in faking an injury on the job in order tocollect worker’s compensation checks. What could be a morefrightening image for America: an oafish, middle-aged slacker lyingon his beer-stained couch week after week, stuffing his face withcombo meals purchased at your direct competitors like Burger Kingand Jack in the Box, competitors who DON’T EVEN OFFER a Low-CarbSide Salad for $3.99, all while living off the blood, sweat andtears of hard-working American taxpayers! So, in conclusion, hireme instead. I’m Travis A. Willmore, and I approved thismessage.