This story is about porn and no, we’re not joking

Hello, fellow perverts and adult-film aficionados across campus! It’s great to be alive and masturbating here in the weeks following the 2008 Adult Entertainment Expo, which capped off with the annual Adult Video News Awards, held to honor the hard and hardworking members of the skindustry.

Adult film is oft-construed to be a hotbed of skeezy, back-lot production values, an industry fueled by the carnal desires of lecherous pimps who hoodwink teenage runaway junkies into making love on film for a few bucks. And though it’s hard to argue with that perspective, thanks to the scourge of filth on amateur Web sites, it’s also unfair to write off adult films as little more than amoral sewage. These men and women have simply identified something they excel at, and they deserve their praises as much as any other profession.

Don’t agree? Dig this, Captain Morality: Kobe Bryant, Ted Haggard, Bill Clinton. The connection between those names is sex scandal and deceit. You’ll notice that most porn stars don’t sue their partners, nor are they fraught with homophobia or lies about their natural randiness. So what’s so bad about giving them a public pat on the back?

2008 marks just the second year the Adult Entertainment Expo was open to the public, and the proceedings were recorded for broadcast on the Showtime network. Tens of thousands of fans spent $200 to get three days of floor access to 50 metric tons of silicone, endless innuendo and way too much eyeliner.

And you can’t put a price on the chance of having your favorite star flash you his junk for a souvenir photo or have your favorite starlet let you rub your face in her cleavage!

Sadly, the award show itself is still industry-only, though for good reason: Allowing throngs of rabid porn-lovers near thousands of sex actors, during what event organizers work tirelessly to keep civil, would result in chaos. The adoring public is privy to the results afterwards and thus able to bicker over the selections, agreeing and arguing according to their own porn proclivities.

As I predicted a year ago, Sasha Grey won female performer of the year. No matter what scene or flick she is cast for, she handles her work with an enthusiasm and grace so rare of the modern industry, where most of the girls just moan on cue.

Grey, 19, earned her award during her sophomore sex-acting year, especially with her work in Anal Acrobats and Blow Me Sandwich 11. And holy shit can she perform! She was featured in both Flower Tucci’s flagship franchise Flower’s Squirt Showers and Elegant Angel’s Squirt Gangbang, and Grey in both drenches her fellow starlets with torrents of liquid love.

I do question the victory of Bree Olson and Brandon Iron for best anal scene, per their romp in Big Wet Asses 10. Tory Lane did better work in Cum in My Ass Not in My Mouth, as did Jenna Haze in Evil Anal 2. It stands to prove the industry-wide slant of favoring blondes, as brunettes Lane and Haze are much hotter and more entertaining than blond Olson. Haze did, however, win an award for best couples sex scene in EA2, along with super-hunk (and super-hung) Manuel Ferrara.

“Thank you, Jenna,” Ferrara said, to which Haze replied, “For taking your enormously long cock in my ass!”

Haze also won for best interactive DVD, with Interactive Sex with Jenna Haze, a title that lets the viewer choose the sexual position, when to transition and where to land the eventual ejaculation of semen on Haze’s flawless body, as performed by a model whose face is hidden.

News of forthcoming titles abound, and 2008 will be another year of expansion for the skindustry. This year is going to see plenty more porn crossover into books, film, music and all other matter of mainstream consciousness, mark my words. After all, porn stars have written New York Times bestsellers (Jenna Jameson’s How to Make Love Like a Porn Star) , been featured on cable (Ron Jeremy on The Surreal Life) and even run for public office–Mary Carey ran for governor of California in 2003 and finished 10th in votes, two spots behind Gary Coleman. They can do more than fuck, you know!

The bottom line here is that porn is a multi-billion dollar market force to be reckoned with, so take 2008 as an opportunity to loudly and proudly state your pornographic interests! No longer will we be relegated to shameful self-diddling behind locked doors, and we should all work to create a society where dialogues about politics and sports are as commonplace as vibrator comparisons.

Go forth, my fellow pervs, to manifest big breast destiny! Huzzah!

AVN Awards

It’s long and hard–to read, that is. But the comprehensive list of AVN award winners is worth a quick glance over, if only for some of the goofier categories and their winning titles.

Best actor in a film: Tom Byron in Layout

Best actress in a film: Penny Flame in Layout

Best MILF series: Momma Knows Best

Best sex comedy (huh?): Operation: Desert Stormy

Best gonzo (read: no plot, just fuckin’) release: Brianna Love Is Buttwoman

Best female domination release: Babes Ballin’ Boys 17

Best specialty release: Cum on My Tattoo 3

Most outrageous sex scene: “There are Some Things Even an Asshole Shouldn’t Attempt”