Tip Calculator

Many things may happen during the course of a meal that will make you want to give your server a better, or a worse, tip. The Vanguard has compiled 20 reasons why you might want to change your server’s tip.

Base Tip: 15 percent

You receive excellent service: add 5 percent
…but your server is covered in festering sores: subtract 3 percent

Your server laughs at your bad joke involving turtle
sex: add 2 percent
…and responds with their own racist joke, which still
oddly involves turtles: subtract 5 percent

Your server shows you pictures of their 11-year-old
child: add 1 percent
…and the 11-year-old is naked in those pictures: subtract 6 percent

You find hair in your food: subtract 3 percent
…and then you realize that it’s pubic hair: subtract 10 percent

Your attractive server gives you their phone number: add 10 percent
…which is a “1-900” number: subtract 15 percent

You choke on a piece of steak, but the waiter performs the Heimlich Maneuver and saves your life: add 50 percent
…but they don’t stop until ejaculation: subtract 10 percent

The meat in your meal is cooked as ordered: add 1 percent
…but the meat is cat: subtract 7 percent

Your waiter is attentive to refilling your coffee: add 3 percent
…but he has an erection while doing so: subtract 8 percent

Your waitress is obviously flirting with you: add 5 percent
…then you notice she has obviously just pooped her
pants: subtract 10 percent

There is a pleasant mesquite smell drifting from the kitchen: add 1 percent
…then you realize that the smell means the building
is on fire and you’re about to burn alive: no tip!