Today’s Birthday (Oct. 7)
Today, reflect on the parallels between your life and that of widely unpopular California Gov. Gray Davis. Where do you both go wrong? Why did you – at the last minute – register Democrat?
Aries (March 21-April 19)
The Green Party of California You’re not going to spoil anybody’s fun … except your own.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Tom McClintock Everyone’s tired of your “Tommy Lee Jones in ‘The Fugitive'” schtick. Why don’t you just go home?
Gemini (May 21-June21)
Larry Flynt Sex for sex’s sake doesn’t have to be distasteful, and should never involve Arnold Schwarzenegger, Gary Coleman or Gallagher.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Gallagher Like an exploding watermelon, your shell is shattered and oh how your seeds are ripe.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Mary Carey When someone pays you for a date, they don’t want to see your political platform.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Diane Feinstein I don’t care what your daddy tells you, declining to run doesn’t make you a winner.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Darrell Issa Every time you eat dinner alone, you die a little on the inside.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Arianna Huffington You will get away with nothing, I tell you, NOTHING!
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Cruz Bustamante Like the lagging lieutenant governor, you are the most qualified candidate for the job but will never succeed.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Arnold Schwarzenegger You will be the next governor of California, you Nazi-loving sonuvabitch.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
California’s hanging chads If you are planning on moving to California to run for governor, it’s too late.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Gary Coleman While you are the underdog that everyone is rooting for, I have to ask myself why all of your political rallies involve jumping on my car.