Today’s Horoscope

Today’s Birthday (Oct. 7)

Today, reflect on the parallels between your life and that of widely unpopular California Gov. Gray Davis. Where do you both go wrong? Why did you – at the last minute – register Democrat?

Aries (March 21-April 19)

The Green Party of California You’re not going to spoil anybody’s fun … except your own.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Tom McClintock Everyone’s tired of your “Tommy Lee Jones in ‘The Fugitive'” schtick. Why don’t you just go home?

Gemini (May 21-June21)

Larry Flynt Sex for sex’s sake doesn’t have to be distasteful, and should never involve Arnold Schwarzenegger, Gary Coleman or Gallagher.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Gallagher Like an exploding watermelon, your shell is shattered and oh how your seeds are ripe.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Mary Carey When someone pays you for a date, they don’t want to see your political platform.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Diane Feinstein I don’t care what your daddy tells you, declining to run doesn’t make you a winner.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Darrell Issa Every time you eat dinner alone, you die a little on the inside.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Arianna Huffington You will get away with nothing, I tell you, NOTHING!

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Cruz Bustamante Like the lagging lieutenant governor, you are the most qualified candidate for the job but will never succeed.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Arnold Schwarzenegger You will be the next governor of California, you Nazi-loving sonuvabitch.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

California’s hanging chads If you are planning on moving to California to run for governor, it’s too late.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Gary Coleman While you are the underdog that everyone is rooting for, I have to ask myself why all of your political rallies involve jumping on my car.