Top Ten Movies You Won’t See This Holiday Season:

1. "Gina’s Very Merry Christmas Orgy" – Gina Lynn throws a holiday sex party! There is someone getting laid in every room Gina enters. She thinks that all of her guests have forgotten who threw this wonderful party.

2. "Seymore Butts’ Merry F**king Christmas" – The perfect gift for that special someone! The gift that keeps on giving…orgasm after orgasm, after orgasm!

3. "On the Road with Luke: Christmas Edition" – Ho, Ho, Ho and more hoes!! Join them in Toronto, Buffalo, D.C. and all over the country as they take the bus and go on the hunt for the ultimate freak! Grab your mistletoe and jingle bells, and celebrate the Christmas holiday Uncle Luke-style.

4. "I Got Grown Up Toys For Christmas" – Five different authentic scenes. Staring Heather and Conan, who roll through positions like tumbleweeds!

5. "Home For The Holidays" – Four hot ass-bashing scenes.

6. "Holiday In And Out" – Twelve gorgeous girls, hot and eager, are getting ready to enjoy their holidays.

7. "Big Omar’s Anal Holiday Harlots British Adventures 3" – Use your imagination.

8. "Rican Christmas: Feliz Navidad!" – Puerto Rican hot bods celebrate with salsa and pingas grandes! Deck the halls with Latino balls! Featuring over a dozen hot and horny men wishing you an uncut Christmas!

9. "Yo Yo Yo! A Very Black Christmas Tale" – ‘Nuf said.

10. "Erotic Christmas With Stars" Bundle – SAVE 30% on this Pack! Makes a great gift! Comes pre-wrapped.

All this research about Christmas porn left me disappointed with the lack of creativity in the names of some of these movies. Has the porn industry gotten lazy? Has it lost its flare for outrageous spins on existing themes? Well, to them I offer this, my Christmas list of porn titles for 2005:

"Gang Bang on 34th Street"
"Stocking Stuffers"
"I’m Dreaming of a Tight Christmas"
"Jingle Balls"
"The Grinch Who Stole Christie’s Ass"
"Frosty In Budapest"
"Mrs. Santa’s Little Helpers"
"Twats the Night Before Christmas"
"Not so Virgin Mary"