March 25, 2005:
An amber alert was sent across the Buckman neighborhood last week when Trish and Shaniqua Chicken were discovered missing from their Couch Street coop. Neighbors said that the birds’ early-morning chatter stopped abruptly at 7:48 a.m. and reported hearing the screeching of car tires a short time later.
The second assault on the chickens in as many weeks as the apparent kidnapping comes on the heels of hateful threats being grafittied on their shabby wooden home. A report came in later that morning from head chicken caretaker and photographer Thor C. Drake saying that he "couldn’t take it anymore. They’ve woken me up at 6:30 every morning this week."
When asked what he did with Trish and Shaniqua, Drake spoke frankly. "I took them back to the feed store and dumped them in the pen with the others," Drake said. "It sucks because I wanted to take them to the Sandy Hut but I wasn’t thinking about that at 7:30 in the morning. Maybe we can get some ferrets."
The abduction and re-imprisonment stands within the perimeters of the law according to fictional Portland Police spokesman Sgt. Brian Schmautz.
"Citizens are allowed five outdoor birds per household within Multnomah County," Schmautz reported. "But there is a reason why people chose not to do so: chickens are retarded."