Once upon a time I was watching an episode of the TV crime-drama Bones. As part of a murder investigation, they find that their super-crazy, super-creepy murderers are, in fact, kinky people who enjoy sex bondage. Of course.
In television and pop culture, if you really want to show how intrinsically disturbed people are, emphasize that they like to do things with floggers, chains and leather when they are having sex. Anyway, in one scene, the titular character (Emily Deschanel) and Agent Booth (David Boreanaz) are discussing kinky sex, at which point both of them talk about how kinky people are freaks who just can’t appreciate or enjoy normal sex anymore.
Elsewhere, on an episode of Law and Order a detective interrogates another depraved murderer who is, surprise surprise, a kinkster! While talking to the murderous kinkster, the detective says he has done research into her freaky culture, and he knows that she is (gasp) a SAM (smartass masochist), which is a sub who likes to provoke their dom. She is embarrassed that he knows it. Uh, ok, that’s not actually a big deal at all, but whatever.
Modern American society is rife with misconceptions about kinky people, especially in pop culture. Television is especially guilty of this. Bones, CSI and Law and Order are some of the most regular offenders, propagating the myth that kinky people are a tiny clique of folks all screwed up in the head and are much more likely to commit murder. That’s just wrong, plain and simple.
A 2012 article by the Institute for Personal Growth reported that most studies show 15–20 percent of Americans engage in some sort of regular bondage play or other more intense kinky behavior. If you take lighter activities, such as love bites or light spanking into account, that number jumps to over 55 percent. Of those who reported partaking in kinky activities, most reported that it is something they enjoy periodically—a sort of extra spice on the side—where “vanilla” missionary-esque sex was the most common.
Less than one percent reported making any major lifestyle choices based on their kinky sexual proclivities. In fact, most psychologists agree that there is absolutely no evidence to suggest that people become kinky because they are bored, abuse victims, crazy or have any kind of mental disorder whatsoever.
Like any minority, there are some fringe crazies that go too far, but most kinksters are totally normal people. Odds are that you have many friends and family members who are kinksters. Maybe you are one yourself, and guess what? That is perfectly fine and fun.
Beyond this most basic misconception that kinksters are a tiny, psychotic minority bored with sex, there are some other big ones. For example, it is a pretty common myth that kinky sex, especially any sort of bondage where a woman is tied up by a man, is inherently misogynistic. This is also untrue. Like many activities, especially sexual ones, this boils down to agency.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with a strong, powerful, independent feminist woman deciding she likes being tied up. It is her choice. In fact, a 2009 study published by the National Institute of Health showed that 62 percent of female undergraduates in college have regular fantasies of being dominated or have even had rape fantasies. Other studies have shown that this trend continues in strongly feminist circles.
It is not at all uncommon for people who abhor rape (read: any person who isn’t horrible) to be a bit turned on by the idea of having “forced” sex with a trusted partner. Turns out that choice and agency are really important factors, and also that the human brain and sexuality are complicated. Don’t judge people who like to be tied up or otherwise dominated.
Yet another myth is that women aren’t kinky. They only do it for the men, because they themselves are delicate and pure snowflakes. I am told that Fifty Shades of Grey is guilty of perpetuating this, though I don’t know, because I read good books in my spare time.
Lastly, and I think very importantly, the issue of judging and stigmatizing kinky sex is itself incredibly controlling and often times inherently political. After all, what is “normal” sex, and what are the implications? For example, do you think oral sex or anal sex is normal? Well, statistically speaking, you do and even if you don’t, it is.
The Journal of Sexual Medicine reported in 2013 that the vast majority of Americans partake in oral and anal sex on a regular basis. Yet despite the fact that most people are doing it, Montana, Idaho, Utah, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, Alabama, Mississippi, Florida, North Carolina, South Carolina and Michigan all have laws that are explicitly based on Christian dogma and which ban oral and anal sex as “crimes against nature.” This is despite the fact that these laws were declared unconstitutional over a decade ago by the Supreme Court of the United States.
In the end, don’t judge or discriminate based on people’s kinky sexual practices, because plenty of so-called normal people are also kinky. Also consider that there are 14 states in the U.S. that might declare you criminally kinky. Be open-minded, be kind and be understanding.