Let’s be honest, for many of us the Fourth of July is no longer a celebration of the independence of this country. The Fourth of July is about getting drunk. It’s about drinking whiskey at 10 a.m. while watching a parade and about drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon at 10 p.m. while explosions light up the sky.
Unfortunately, there isn’t really a way to get out of the Fourth of July. Sure, you can stay locked up at home with the dogs, making sure they are not freaking out from the fireworks, but the sounds of the party will get to you. The drunk yelling by your fellow countrymen and women is sure to be annoying if you’re sober. And the unyielding patriotism just may make you question if those outside are the best representation of America.
But maybe to you, the Fourth of July is just a reminder of the belligerent violence and destruction this country has exported on the world and imported to the long ago Native American population, whose freedom was taken in the name of independence.
Really, there is only one thing to do: Say fuck it and join the crowd. If you’re ready to hang up your reservations but need some strategies for ass-imilation, this coping guide might be for you.
Where to begin? An American flag tank top of course:
Your mantra: The best way to celebrate this holiday is with irony.
Get illegal fireworks:
What better way to honor this country than to break her laws? And yes, this will be done best by those with a heartfelt love of America. Clearly the alternative of not shooting bottle rockets at your friends is far less appealing.
Drink whiskey:
This is key. It will ensure you don’t give a shit, and the more you drink the more you can fit in with the masses. If ever there was a time to drink Old Number 7, this is it.
Don’t talk shit about America:
Yes, this is a hard one, but it won’t go over well unless you are looking for a fight (also an option).
If you can’t shake the urge to trash talk Independence Day or the America of today, it must be done in coded language; again, irony is your best friend here. Annoyed with those around you? Tell them they are “‘Merican as fuck.” Or, buff up on and celebrate the most recent shameful acts of our county. What is the latest American military success? What is the most recent Trump blunder? Find out and laud that information like it’s proof of your dick size.
Talk mercilessly of bombs and war, but only with pride: The goal here is to disgust even the most patriotic. This is an ultimate representation of our country’s obsession with marketing—saying one thing and intending another. Go ahead, say you are proud when your ulterior motives are as obvious as the Pabst in your hand.
Drink Pabst or Budweiser:
Like America, their tastes used to be appreciated, but now they are celebrated for their lack thereof. Their low alcohol content and pure shittiness is what makes us want to drink them.
Monetarily, this day should be cheap:
Like all great capitalists, your goal should be to spend as little money as possible. That is why flasks should replace shots, barbecues and the river should replace nice restaurants and the bar. Cheap hot dogs should replace organic chicken, and vegetables can all but go out the window. Ketchup and mustard are basically vegetables, right?
In the end, if you follow these steps what you will see is that you are not alone in them. The truth is that the Fourth of July is not a celebration of a bunch of Brits gaining independence from the British—no, it is a celebration of violence and explosions, of abundance and over-consumption. And most of the people out there celebrating aren’t necessarily die-hard America fanatics, they are just having a good time.
This year, play along. Don’t be disturbed by the overconsumption, the nonstop fireworks, the yelling and hollering, the general disregard for how this country was founded and what force was used to achieve that. This year out-do everyone else. Be the loudest, most America-loving and most belligerent person to celebrate our Independence day. You will hate yourself on the fifth, but the Fourth will be fun.
