Video Fun with Biff

What the hell has happened to Rose McGowan? Seriously, you guys, ever since she agreed to replace Shannen Doherty on that cheap imitation of “The Craft” on the WB called “Charmed,” her career has really just stalled. The old Biffster has a soft spot for this brunette beauty who once called Oregon home. Sure, she dated Marilyn Manson but, hey, we all need a little publicity sometimes.

Do you remember the glory days, when Rose used to enjoy a good indie film as opposed to a weekly one-hour witchcraft drama that’s serves as a front to show Alyssa Milano working out? When she preferred daring roles to those of a silly girl who performs magic spells? I mean, Rose, you were a replacement for Shannen Doherty! Is there a lower rung on the career ladder? You’re only one small step above that guy that played Jerry on “Parker Lewis Can’t Lose.”

Anyways, enough angry ranting out of Biff. Walk with me down memory lane to a time when Rose McGowan was just a young actress trying to make a name for herself in Hollywood, before she started dying her hair blonde, dropped 15 pounds and had a show on the WB – to a time when she still had an ounce of dignity.

The word “dignity” had nothing to do with Rose’s first on-screen appearance next to everyone’s favorite Neanderthal, 1992’s “Encino Man.”

If memory serves, I think she had one line, but it may have been two. Either way, Biff still thinks it’s weird that it took her three years to get into anything else.

In 1995, Rose landed her first starring role in possibly the crappiest movie of all time, “Doom Generation.” Director Gregg Araki doesn’t concern himself so much with modern film ideas such as storyline or decent dialogue and instead opts for gratuitous, pain-inducing lines like, “Eat my fuck,” and shocktastic shots like a man eating his own semen. What a visionary! Rose spends a lot of her time nude in this one but also manages to a show a bit of a talent for acting.

Next she rejoined her co-star from “Encino Man,” Pauly Shore, to film his misunderstood masterpiece “Bio-Dome.” Sure, it’s no “In the Army Now,” but it does have a little bit of Rose.

Next came Rose’s biggest break, “Scream.” As Biff’s brother says, “She’s the blonde one with the headlights.”

Honestly, kiddies, Biff does not understand why this movie was so fantastic that it deserved two sequels. Can someone please tell him? In “Scream,” Rose wears a blonde wig, gets a little cold when she goes outside and ends up getting killed by a garage door. Crap! And they let David Arquette live? Pure phooey.

The year 1997 was Rose’s year. Although she had a cameo in Gregg Araki’s second crapfest, “Nowhere,” it is interesting to note that it is alongside future “Charmed” replacement Shannen Doherty and ex-underage porn star Traci Lords.

Also in the same year, she did two decent, respectable movies in which, believe it or not, she was quite good.

“Going All the Way” stars Ben Affleck (pre-“Reindeer Games”) and Jeremy Davies as two buddies talking about women and depression. Rose is one of the ladies making them depressed.

In “Lewis and Clark and George” she plays a deaf woman on a road trip with two con men. Hilarity ensues.

The year 1998 was one of sketchy decisions: “Southie” with Donnie Wahlberg, “Phantoms” with Ben Affleck (still pre-“Reindeer Games”) and a really bizarre, looks it like it was made for Skinemax type movie, “Devil in the Flesh.” She wears skimpy clothes, seduces her teacher and then tries to kill him in various insane ways.

Please note that she delivers impressive performances in her other two 1998 sketchy decisions.

Then, in 1999, Rose peaks in the film industry. Fresh off of her publicity stunt where she wore a dress with no backside, or frontside really, to the MTV awards with Alice Cooper-wannabe boyfriend Marilyn Manson, Rose starred in her very own major release, “Jawbreaker.” The weird thing about “Jawbreaker” is that it’s good, in an entertaining try-to-ignore-all-of-the-similarities-to “Carrie” and “Heathers” kind of way. The movie is really colorful and obsessed with style, like a violent “Clueless” or something.

After “Jawbreaker,” something happened to poor Rose. She has not had a starring role in anything and has preferred to go the supporting route, as she did in 2000’s wrestle-riffic “Ready to Rumble,” where she plays someone’s sneaky girlfriend. Boring. Beware: This movie has David Arquette.

“The Last Stop,” starring Adam Beach of “Smoke Signals” was actually pretty good in that murder mystery kind of way.

One can also find Rose in the film directed by “The Nightmare Before Christmas” director Henry Selick, “Monkeybone.”

I just don’t know, kids, the movie is great except for the parts with the monkey. He farts and makes really bad jokes and almost makes Brendan Fraser look entertaining. Bang, pow! C’mom, that was a good one. Rose plays a lady who is also a cat, if you are interested, and has about 15 minutes of screen time.

Sadly enough, that was the last time we saw Rose on the big screen, in a movie with Brendan Fraser about a clay monkey with a flatulence problem.

The thing that really gets me is “Charmed” is not a good show. It’s boring, too long and looks cheaply produced.

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog said it best when he informed Tom Arnold, “I’ve got worms in my stool that have a show on the WB.”

So if you miss watching Rose in anything decent, take a gander at one of her films and just think: How could six of her films include Brendan Fraser, David Arquette and Pauly Shore? The world is a cruel place, my young Padouins. May the Rose be with you!