Video Fun with Biff

Don’t be shy. No one will judge you here. Just admit that you have watched “Glitter” at least once on cable. You know, it’s that movie with Mariah Carey. Perhaps you caught it during its quick jaunt through the theaters, or maybe Britney Spears’ big screen film debut “Crossroads” was more your cup o’ tea. Remember, it is quite all right to admit it. You are among friends.

Obviously someone out there is watching these pop culture cash-in films. Or aren’t they? “From Justin to Kelly,” the film starring those two ever-lovable “American Idol” contestants Justin Guarini and Kelly Clarkson, hit theaters just shy of a month ago. The DVD will be in your clammy little hands Aug. 26. No fooling. It did that bad.

It seems that Hollywood would have learned its lesson by now. Transplanting pop culture fads to the big screen is never a good idea. Direct to video, maybe, but not on the big screen. The reason is timing. By the time these films are written, produced, filmed and released, the clamor for their very existence is far past gone. Well, if you think that Hollywood should know better, then you are a very smart little thing, aren’t you? Just take a gander at these not-too-far-back-in-the-past pop culture film mistakes.


How could Hollywood so quickly have forgotten “Cool as Ice”? I mean, sure, Vanilla Ice’s cameo in “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze” was inspired and heartfelt, but it in no way warranted his own starring vehicle. The truth of the matter is, people can say all they want about the Ice Man, but in 1991, he was it. He was the man. You don’t believe Biff? Then you are living in denial. We all had the “Ice Ice Baby” cass-ingle. If you didn’t, then you were not cool. It is as simple as that. However, by the time this gem of a film, starring the dad from “Family Ties” and Deezer D of “ER,” hit the screens, Ice was already pass퀌�. The world was already jump-jumping with their pants backwards to Kris Kross. “Cool as Ice” will always live forever with Ice’s signature line, “Drop that zero and get with a hero.” What a guy!

Do you remember Brian “The Boz” Bosworth? This guy defines pop culture fad. He was a mediocre football player in the early ’90s who was famous because he had an earring and a flattop and rode a motorcycle. He was sort of a really boring Dennis Rodman. Well, like Rodman, The Boz got his own shot at the big screen in 1991’s “Stone Cold,” an action movie about bikers and cocaine. Sounds great, right? Right? Wrong. Even bikers and cocaine couldn’t save The Boz from his own atrocious acting. Soon he couldn’t save himself from his own atrocious playing and he faded into football obscurity along with Ickey Woods.


Well, you all know that Biff loves Sean Astin, but did you know that he has a little brother named Mackenzie? Yeah, he’s the kid from “The Facts of Life.” He’s also the kid from the most baffling of all pop culture cash-in films, 1987’s “The Garbage Pail Kids.” “The Garbage Pail Kids” was a series of trading cards based on the popular Cabbage Patch dolls, only the cards portrayed the dolls as burping, farting, gross-out messes. Translated onto film, you get seven midget actors in rubber suits playing a variety of characters, including Foul Phil, Messy Tessie and Valerie Vomit. Apparently some punk rockers are earning money by delivering ugly people to the Ugly People Center, an asylum for the ugly. Seriously, that’s the plot. Well, those zany little Garbage Pail Kids fart and burp their way to safety and along the way teach Hollywood that attempting to cash in on a popular series of trading cards in the form of a big-budget, big-screen movie is just never a good idea.

You know, you have to give Hollywood an E for effort when it comes to filmmaking. No matter how many times it gets burned using the same formula, it always tries and tries again. At times, I’m surprised that “Pogs: The Movie” never hit the screens. Sadly, I suspect there is probably a script out there somewhere. It’s a trend in Hollywood that will never change. For further proof, check out 1990’s “Lambada” or 1980’s “Can’t Stop the Music,” the hit disco musical starring those musical innovators the Village People. Macho, macho man, indeed.