Why go on a trip?

If you are anything like me, then you are planning on going absolutely nowhere for Spring Break. Vacations are a hassle, and they take time to plan. They also cost money. That is lame. Therefore, why not spend a vacation right here in your own city? Better yet, how about inside your very own domicile? It’s affordable, cost effective, and since there’s no drive time, your vacation can commence the second your last final is completed. Don’t get me wrong, a “home style vacation” is no walk in the park, it takes a bit of strategizing and laziness know-how. Luckily for you, laziness is my forte.

The following measures should be taken care of prior to Saturday the 22nd, the first official day of Spring Break. Remember, the goal is to NOT, under any circumstance excluding fire, leave the house. This includes going outside to get the mail. If at all possible, organize beforehand with your postal delivery person to have your mail delivered through a predetermined open window. This will save time and energy. Next, and this is of absolute importance, go to the grocery store sometime before the 22nd. Your list should be small and simple: nine frozen pizzas of assorted varieties, 12 pack of toilet paper, one bar of soap, 48 cans of cheap beer (preferably Hamms), one small box of pre-moistened towelettes, nine breakfast-style Hot Pockets, three bags of Chex Mix, and one pack of lobster bibs. Also, go to the video store and rent a crapload of movies. Comedies are recommended for their encouragement of brainlessness as are pro-wrestling tapes (pre-1993). Only rent the old stuff, no new releases for you. Old movies are just as good and like 66 percent cheaper than the new stuff. The wrestling tapes are an even better bargain because they are three hours long.

This brings up another good point: Double cassettes are highly cost effective. No time like the present to have a Godfather marathon. A Wrestlemania-thon can be quite entertaining (one through 10 is preferable). Danielle Steele movies can also be incredibly long, sometimes even meriting the ever elusive triple tape. If you play it smart, you can have hours of mind-numbing entertainment ready for a very low cost.

Now that all of that pesky shopping and planning is out of the way, you are fully prepared to not leave the house. Saturday the 22nd should be a joyous day. Whenever you awake, fire up one of those Hot Pockets in the microwave. Affix a lobster bib around your neck. This will stay with you all day to avoid the hazards of Hot Pocket spillage and pizza sauce. Use a pre-moistened towelette to get the rest. Have a beer with breakfast. Remember, you’ve earned this. Make sure to have a pillow and a blanket near the couch in case you feel like lying down. Watch movies and drink steadily. Getting drunk the first day will help to get all of those school-related anxieties out of your system. Whenever you get hungry again, probably around 5 or 6, throw the pizza in the oven. Frozen pizza serves as both the lunch/dinner and late-night snack since there will no doubt be leftovers. The bags of Chex Mix are for light snacking, preferably between breakfast and dinner, and make perfect home style vacation munchies because they are mixture of salty snack foods rather than just a plain old potato chip. Or something like that.

Whenever you are drunk enough, try to pass out on your couch, which as we discussed earlier, should already be adorned with a pillow and a blanket. The following day’s hangover will make it just that much easier to spend another day doing nothing. A beer with breakfast will cure that throbbing headache. For the next eight days, simply repeat your actions of the first day. Hot Pockets for breakfast, Chex Mix for a snack, pizza for dinner and late-night snack and Hamms to wash it all down. Although your lobster bib and towelettes should take care of most of your sanitary needs, it is advisable to shower at least once during your Spring Break isolation, I mean vacation. On Wednesday, take that bar of soap and give yourself a good scrubdown. If you are a boy, it is crucial that you not shave for the extent of your vacation. Nothing says “creepy loner” like a Ted-Kaczynski-style beard. This will come in especially handy on Monday, March 31, also known as the first day of school. That beard will be like your Hard Rock Cafe T-shirt, it will be your symbol of your Spring Break well spent, a Spring Break inside the comfort of your own home with nothing but your own sense of sloth to keep you company. Good luck, and may the Force be with you!