You gotta know to roll

Summer’s for humpin,’ right? And it’s hard to hit the bootywithout dancing. You’d be hard pressed to impress without abeat-heavy soundtrack behind your sun-soaked holla-time. It’s likeWill Smith said, “Summer’s a natural aphrodisiac.” Andthe only way to truly scope half-naked summertime honeys is to doit to the sweet sounds of the summer’s hottest jam.

The summer jam has always been a mainstay of the sun drencheddays. The ubiquitous song that, even if you hated it, is bumpingeverywhere you go. Summertime begs for music – pop musicespecially, and before there was booty bass, Jadakiss or even theFresh Prince there was the summer ode. Many musicians have done theode to summer. Let’s pick apart the best and worst while you quenchthat bratwurst thirst.

“Boys of Summer”
Don Henley
Henley’s a douche, no question, but with this ’80s hit he capturedthe nostalgia of past summers almost perfectly. I won’t say hefiguratively bottled summer to later release it on an album, but hegot it in a chokehold for at least a few minutes. The “I saw aDeadhead sticker on a Cadillac” line is nothing more than alame stab at Americana, but the song as a whole is a sufficient popsong that hearkens back to when we lived summer in black andwhite.

“School’s Out”
Alice Cooper
Cooper’s a strange one. The mascara, the shitty classic rock hits,the unnecessary fear from the conservative right. He’s never beenmuch of songwriter, and then there’s the late ’80s butt rockcomeback-“Poison runnin’ through my veins.” A friend ofmine ran into Cooper when his limo broke down a few years ago andoffered him a ride. He had his wife and a couple of kids with him,so they all piled into my friend’s hatchback, Alice in shotgun ofcourse, and she drove the Coopers to their hotel. That had to be anawkward ten minutes. He gave her tickets to his show for herefforts. School’s out forever, I guess. I’ve always wondered howmany women in the United States are named Alice Cooper.

“No Rain”
Blind Melon
While it would be easy to dismiss “No Rain” as neo-hippyshit, I won’t. And not because lil’ buddy died, either. Reasonbeing, this song has forever crystallized the summer of 1992 forme. That doesn’t mean I like the song, rather I covet what’s leftof my childhood. Only the smell of Kentucky honeysuckle can take meback faster than this song. And that Bee Girl video was okay,too.

“Summer of ’69”
Brian Adams
Assholes will point out that Adams was about 5-years-old in 1969,but they ain’t hearing the song. Jimmy quit, Jody got married, hemade out on his mamma’s porch, those were the best days of hislife. I’m getting choked up just writing about it. Who gives a shitif he was only in kindergarten?

Van Morrison
The entire album. None of it really rocks out like”Gloria,” but “Moondance,” “And It

Stoned Me” and “Into the Mystic” have asummertime nightglow about them. “Stoned Me” is a wholesong about jumping into water. “Into the Mystic” is justbeautiful. There’s a scene in the Corey and Corey film “Dreama Little Dream” that’s scored to that song. Nothing’s reallyhappening. It’s night out and the song is playing, easily theCoreys’ best two minutes. Moondance is the musical equivalent tolightening bugs, or fireflies, or whatever you call them.

Once you know the classics you can truly enjoy the summer jam.Without Alice Cooper, Don Henley, or Bryan Adams, you would neverknow how important 50 Cent really is. This is your time, myfriends, and this is your jam, so crack a cold one, put that lawnchair on the sidewalk and proceed to suck your teeth in asuggestive manner at every new mini skirt that passes by. It’s whatUsher wants you to do.