Your dead celebrity horoscope

Aries Jonathan Brandis Claim to fame: The NeverEnding Story II: The Next Chapter, Sidekicks Jonathan Brandis’ untimely death left him with just a few small but profound celebrity accomplishments: by the age of 17, not only had he acted with a dolphin and Roy Scheider in the same TV show, but he also got to act with Chuck Norris.


Jonathan Brandis

Claim to fame: The NeverEnding Story II: The Next Chapter, Sidekicks

Jonathan Brandis’ untimely death left him with just a few small but profound celebrity accomplishments: by the age of 17, not only had he acted with a dolphin and Roy Scheider in the same TV show, but he also got to act with Chuck Norris. He even auditioned for the part of Anakin Skywalker, but a short time later he committed suicide by hanging. If only he would have known how fortunate it was that he avoided the lead role in the new Star Wars installment. The lesson here, Aries? Don’t jump the gun. Have a little patience.


Sigmund Freud

Claim to fame: Father of your mom jokes

Like many who have a Taurus sun, Freud enjoyed the pleasures in life. It’s been said that he had a cocaine addiction, which may have been the cause of his death. The next time you Taurus folk are bangin’ some in or burnin’ some black rock, think twice: Do you want everyone to associate you with Sigmund Freud? Probably. So remember, enjoy life!



Claim to fame: Most modern-day religion

Jesus and Muhammad are like the yin and the yang, the twins of the Gemini (in no specific order). Many say they’re responsible for all of the peace and harmony in the current world, and some say they’re responsible for the lack thereof. Just make sure that with your dualistic Gemini qualities, you offer love and peace for all of mankind, rather than increasing amount of death and destruction in the world.


50 Cent

Claim to fame: Spittin’ mad fire, yo

50 Cent is the Evil Knievel, the Jesus, and maybe even the David Blaine of our generation. Even though 50 Cent didn’t die from the nine gunshot wounds he took, he did prove to the world that no one can keep him down. All the crabs out there like 50 know that even a gansta needs to cry. The next time someone says they’re going to pop your ass nine times, just give them a hug and let it all out.


Napoleon Bonaparte

Claim to fame: Conquering the world again and again

Who knows how Napoleon died? Maybe syphilis, maybe the clap. Some might argue that it was stomach cancer. Even so, the guy was so aggressive, dominant and egotistical that he could have just died from a broken heart after he was exiled from France so many times. The next time you Leos feel the impulse to take control, let someone else take the lead.


River Phoenix

Claim to fame: That little kid who played young Indiana Jones in Indiana Jones: The Last Crusade, Stand by Me

River Phoenix’s speedball overdose is a constant Virgo reminder to us all: overdosing on a potent mixture of cocaine and heroin will probably kill you. Virgos are always trying to help people out, whether it is working in the health field or purposely taking too many drugs. Like a Virgo, Phoenix was probably trying to selflessly remind us that drug use can often lead to unfortunate circumstances–even death. The next time you have the opportunity to help someone out at your own expense, just say, “pass.”


Charlie Brown

Claim to fame: Professional badass

Like Charlie Brown, who had a heart attack last year on his 56th birthday after Lucy pulled the football away for the final time, Libras are trusting people. They just want to have friends, and it hurts their feelings when people, like Lucy, keep pulling the ball away. Be strong the next time someone tries to take advantage of you. Challenge them to a game of Rochambeau (kick them in the nuts first, though).


Ol’ Dirty Bastard

Claim to fame: Founding the Wu-Tang Clan and doing lots of drugs

Like so many Scorpios who love to talk about sex even if they don’t participate in it, ODB knew how to spin some hardcore rhymes that made all the ladies swoon. “You give me your number, I call you up/You act like your pussy don’t interrupt/I don’t have no problem with you fucking me/But I have a little problem wit you not fucking me.” The next time you feel the impulse to say something inappropriate around your significant other’s family, do your best to keep it in.


Bruce Lee

Claim to fame: Kung fu choppin’ skills

Bruce Lee is said to have died by “misadventure.” This would seem fitting for Sagittarians, who often love to explore and travel and could easily die from these exploits. My guess is that he probably died after his mistress had him swallow a pill called an “analgesic” when he complained of a headache. Why would someone give you a pill that goes in your butt when you have a headache? I would have given him some Advil. Even so, Sagittarians should not trust anyone (except their doctor) who tries to put butt pills in their mouth.


Alexander Hamilton

Claim to fame: The guy who was killed by Aaron Burr, Jr. in a duel (No! Not being the first U.S. secretary to the Treasury!)

When the fat guy with a mouth full of peanut butter tried answering the question, “Who killed Alexander Hamilton in an 1804 duel?” everyone remembered one name: Aaron Burr. So why mention Hamilton and not Burr? Because it takes a lot to get to be the guy that someone killed in an 1804 duel. Way to go, Hami. If anyone challenges you to a duel, take it–unless the other person plans to kill you. Then run the other way. Quickly.


Alan Hale, Sr.

Claim to fame: The father of the guy who played The Skipper on Gilligan’s Island

Supposedly, Alan Hale, Sr. (whom I share a birthday with) and his son Alan Hale, Jr. (The Skipper on Gilligan’s Island) looked just alike, but the son’s career is far better known to kids of our generation. Daddy played Little John in three different Robin Hood movies, and acted in Green Hell–a movie about a redneck trapped in Portland. Also, if anyone asks you to be in a film called Beach Babes Invade Poleland, starring yourself and a Bob Denver (Gilligan) look-alike, take the opportunity when it comes.


Alan Thicke

Claim to fame: The most annoying TV dad ever

I know Alan Thicke isn’t dead and didn’t almost die, like 50 Cent. And I would never wish death on anyone, especially Mr. Thicke. But Thicke is pretty annoying, and like many Pisceans, he thinks he’s funny and he isn’t. Thicke seems like a nice enough guy, and you can’t really dislike him, but he gives most Pisceans a bad name and should stay in the ’80s where he belongs. Start gauging your jokes, and if anyone laughs when you make one, keep making them. Otherwise, search for your talents elsewhere.