Your movie forecast
Competency Rating (5): [Editor’s Note: The competency rating to your left, Madame Beignet de la Mort’s lowest ever, is not the usual competency rating that is associated with “Your movie forecast,” which is provided by Madame Beignet de la Mort herself. Unfortunately, after an unsuccessful attempt to predict the outcome of producer Michael Bay’s remake of “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre,” Madame de la Mort has gone into hiding, and the competency rating abo��
Although Madame de la Mort’s predictions for “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” were unfounded, her predictions on “Runaway Jury” were quite accurate, which resulted in the competency rating above. We, the editorial staff, can attest that “Runaway Jury” was in fact a horrible film, where many parties tried to assume ownership of a jury, as if it were a singular object, and were quite unimpressed by the ending of the film: It was as if two hours of our lives had been sucked out of us by some sort of vengeful vacuum cleaner operated by John Grisham.
We are also aware of Madame Beignet de la Mort’s abilities, and that her gift is a fragile gift that cannot be tampered with by editorial decisions or corporate backing. Even in the wake of such an unfounded prediction, we are aware of the power that Madame Beignet possesses, and we are confident in the fact that she is the most powerful (and attractive) movie psychic this side of Moscow.
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We have recently received word from Madame Beignet de la Mort by way of her only daughter, Mademoiselle …clair de la Mort, who has received a letter from the noted cinematic clairvoyant as of only yesterday. We have been informed that Madame Beignet de la Mort has checked herself into the Spa of the Eternal Soul, a sort of psychic detox center in the southeastern corner of Austria. As for your weekly movie forecast, we have reprinted the letter that Mademoiselle …clair de la Mort received from her mother.]
Your movie forecast for the weekend of 24 octobre 2003
23 octobre 2003
Hello, ma petite …clair,
The utter force of the cosmos, the chaos of the stars and the dimensions, have been increasingly harsh upon your poor maman lately. Because of this added strain, and in the wake of my ultimate failure, I have checked into the Spa of the Eternal Soul for some much-needed trans-dimensional pampering. In between crystal therapies, temple massages, mineral baths and impromptu psychic conversations with Rob Brezney, I am happy to inform you that your mother’s visions have become increasingly clear this week. I would like you to pass along this information to my editor along with the message that if they will print a statement confirming their belief in my ultimate faculty as the most powerful and attractive movie psychic this side of Moscow, I will allow them to reprint the following predictions that I have offered you, my only daughter, for your own movie-going pleasures.
Thank you, …claire.
Your maman, Beignet
“Beyond Borders.” This film has all the makings of a tripe sandwich. Angelina Jolie and Clive Owen star in this romantic thriller set against some of the more horrible war-torn scenery of the last 20 years. It is no “Out of Africa,” which in turn is no “Casablanca.” The cinematography of the distant locales will be the saving grace of this film, where the long, drawn-out romance between the leads, which spans many years between North Africa, Cambodia and Chechnya, will be all to sappy. This film will end in an embrace accompanied by an open-mouth kiss with no tongue, after Angelina Jolie helps rescue Clive Owen from a Russian prison camp, in which he has been held prisoner for trying to help the people of Chechnya (medically, that is).
“Radio.” This is the kind of film people make because they feel guilty about making fun of a mentally challenged kid when they were 8 years old. And while Ed Harris and Cuba Gooding Jr. should both feel guilty, it does not mean they should make a feel-good movie because of that. This movie spans the 30-odd-year relationship of a mentally challenged man and a football coach, who has his own problems. It will end with the death of Ed Harris’ character, but the impact that he has made on the small town in which they live, by showing the townspeople that you don’t have to make fun of mentally challenged people or treat them like puppies, will be the legacy that overshadows all of his shortcomings as a husband and a father.
“Scary Movie 3.” One has to ask some serious questions every once in a while. Questions like: When is a good time to stop? The Wayans Brothers refuse to ask themselves these important questions, and the result is this: “Scary Movie 3.” Do not be fooled by this title, the film is neither scary, nor a movie, but more like a succession of clips of lowbrow mimicry that finds no cohesive whole. They will take on “The Ring,” “Signs,” “8 Mile,” “The Others,” “Malibu’s Most Wanted,” “The Lord of the Rings” and a few others. I predict that the only way one will be scared by this film is if non-narrative philandering frightens one. I will also predict the only way one will laugh at this film is if one has spent a lot of time in a garage full of paint thinner.
