17 Things You Probably Won’t Go Do

Wednesday 28

Roasted Wild Turkey Barbecue
McMenamins Grand Lodge
7 p.m.
$60, 21 and over
Jesus H. Christ, $60? But, boy, if I had that kind of money, Iwould so be there. Actual roasted turkey with Wild Turkey Bourbontasting to boot? Sounds like an old fashioned good time.

Mayhem at the Meadows II
Featuring Slipknot, Slayer, Hatebreed, Drowning Pool, andmore
Columbia Meadows
1 p.m.
How did a good band like Slayer get saddled with a bunch oflosers like Slipknot and Hatebreed?  I could never get overthat Slipknot song called “People=Shit.” That just cracks me upevery time. Even so, any excuse to go out to the Gorge is a goodone, and maybe you can sneak in and not pay $35.

Thursday 29

Papa Roach
Aladdin Theater
7 p.m.
$12.50/$15 door
When I read Papa Roach’s promo material, I almost wanted to likethem. They had a lot of good-sounding bits about their musicalroots and influences and a desire to stand out from the rap-metalpack. By the end, it had me thinking that maybe I’d misjudged PapaRoach, and they actually had some shreds of credibility and talent.Then I remembered all of their crappy teen-angst divorce songs.Guess I was right the first time around. Still, I have to give themcredit for charging less for a ticket than Sonic Youth.

Camp Love Your Body Benefit feat. Dirty Shirley, Trexxxa, TheGoodies & The Baddies with performances by members of TheUberGay Cabaret
8 p.m.
Any camp dedicated to improving people’s shoddy body images isdefinitely worthy of your $6. Seriously, how many people do youknow who have issues about the way they look or how much theyweigh?

Friday 30

White Eagle Saloon
9:30 p.m.
$6, 21+
Hey, guys! Ready to hear some Counting Crows covers and “radioready” originals? Then head on down to the Sidestar show. If youjust go and pretend that it’s still 1996, then maybe it’ll befun.

Standard Issue
Aladdin Theater
7 p.m.
$12, $15 door
Standard Issue is an appropriate title for these pop-punkers.Maybe I rush to judgment on these kinds of things, but there’s areason behind every critical word I write. The reason here is thesame crappy bubblegum-in-studs anthem garbage that plagues all ofus every time we turn on the radio.

Camaro Hair, Justin King, Another Cynthia
10 p.m.
I remember seeing Another Cynthia at a Meow Meow and beingreally impressed by how badass their guitars were. Their fuzzy,’60s-ish pop was pretty cool too, and they looked about as ’60s asthey sounded. They jammed a little on “Day Tripper,” too,which  is enough to make me like them.

Saturday 31

KPSU Benefit Show featuring: Hollertronix, Beyonda, 31 Ava’s,DJ 4Star, Portland General Electro
8 p.m.
Show your gratitude to KPSU for providing actually decent radioto those of us fortunate to live close enough to pick them up, orfor those of us who just spend all day in Smith Center. They reallydeserve it, even if they never do play enough ElliottSmith.

Friday July 30

The Hives, Sahara Hot Nights, Reigning Sound
Roseland Theater
9 p.m.
The Hives, while they may not be the most original band in theworld, still know how to rock people out of their socks. FeistyRamones meet Stones grooves delivered with batches of attitudespell an ass-shaking good time and, after all, isn’t that what rockand roll was supposed to be about in the first place? And at leastthey’re way better than the new wave of retro-revivalists like Jet.Ugghh…

Floater CD Release Party
Crystal Ballroom
8 p.m.
An acoustic Floater album seems a little strange to me. What Ialways remembered about them was their butt-metal shredouts overheavy slabs of bass rhythm. Even so, their decision to take such acourse will probably showcase the melody that they hide in betweenthose tribal rhythms. Hopefully, this is a good thing.  

Mini-Kiss, We Got The Meat, The Misfats
10 p.m.
$10, $12 door, 21+
Appearing together tonight is an officially-sanctioned (?)midget KISS tribute band, an all male, drag-bedecked Go Go’stribute ban and a really fat Misfits cover band. Is this not thecoolest show that you’ve ever heard of? Great songs, hilariouslyun-P.C. and KISS’ seal of approval? Sounds great.

Sunday 1

Devo After Party with The Punk Group
9 p.m.
$6 cover
Although Devo’s exclusive Nike-sponsored concert at PioneerSquare is sold out, you can have a chance to meet them at Dante’slater that day and ask them why the hell they would want to do aNike concert in Pioneer Square. They could have made a killing justhaving a tour. Look at the Pixies and The Cure. They’re having huge”revival” this year. What gives, Devo?

Jerry Garcia Tie Dye Golf Tournament
9 a.m.
Hmm. Although I harbor a relatively healthydislike for the Dead, the idea of beating a bunch ofDeadheads at golf is pretty attractive. Unfortunately, I’m probablyas stoned, hung over and bad at golf as they are, and they’reworking toward the Dead-themed prizes that await the top finishers.If you feel up for the challenge, call Edgefield at 492-5453 tomake a reservation.

Jerry Garcia Birthday Bash with Freak MountainRamblers
All day
Damn! Wasn’t the golf enough for you fanatics? This huge freeparty does have a beer-serving ice house, though, which is prettycool. I can’t imagine it lasting very long, and I bet that for trueDead fans the ice house is only one in a long series of meltingobjects that day.

Portland Premiere of Bill Plympton’s Hair High
Crystal Ballroom
5 p.m.
$9 advance, $11 door, 21+
You don’t need me to tell you how cool Bill Plympton is, but ifyou do, then his latest film about zombie prom crashers should dothe job for me. The Northwest premiere is also DJ’d, with liveguests and music, but I’d rather be watching “I Married A StrangePerson” to get in the mood before drunkenly rushing down to theCrystal to catch the main attraction

Monday 2

The Vacant, Esther, Mike D and Flapjack Texas, EverydayVictory
Crystal Ballroom
8 p.m.
$3, 21+
For $3, who cares what bands are playing? And if it happens toinclude The Vacant, a trio whose lengthy post-rock instrumentalswrap sadness, strife and deserty guitar into an excellentlypoignant package, then it’s an especially easy decision. Lots ofbands can’t even do that with words.

Tuesday 3

Kottonmouth Kings, OPM, Big B
Crystal Ballroom
7 p.m.
$15, $18 door
All I know about these guys is that they do white guy punk-rap,smoke mad pot and get banned in a lot of cities. ApparentlyPortland’s not one of them.