Aries March 21- April 20
Failed rapper to preacher back to failed rapper. It’s an uglything, watching someone grasp desperately at fame. It’s as if yourcelestial star mate this week, Hammer, couldn’t see himself exceptin the eyes of the world. Use your inner eye to find yourself,Aries. It’s your only honest friend. Remember, you can take the MCout of Hammer, but you can never put it back. And for God’s sakebuy some pants that fit.
Taurus April 21- May 21
Once there were a couple of friends so unstoppable in theircamaraderie that they escaped the long arm of the DEA time and timeagain. Then one went straight, selling his soul for a moment’ssuccess and leaving his companion to the wolves. Fortunately forTommy Chong, those wolves had a heap of cash and a six-foot bong intow. Now, unlike his roly-poly companion Cheech, Chong isdiscovering a renewed success and with it the trappings of fame.And all for staying true to his vision. Stay true, Taurus, yourinitial vision is right and never let them tell you otherwise. Andskip the munchies, man, you’re not as young you used to be.
Gemini May 22- June 21
Why you ain’t stackin’ instead of tryin’ to be fly?
Why is rattin’ at an all time high?
Why are you even alive?
Beats me, Gemini, keep asking those hard questions.
Cancer June 22- July 22
Oh boy, my Cancerian friend, do you ever have some major karma toovercome. I cannot begin to tell you the problems you are going toface in the future. How do you sleep at night? Quit thinking aboutthe simple answer, man, life is more complicated than even I canimagine. Sticking to your guns is one thing, but your recklessegomaniacal behavior is taking the rest of us down with you. Seeyou at the convention, asshole.
Leo July 23- August 23
Benito Mussolini had a vision. It was a twisted and evil vision,but a vision nonetheless. And it took him places most of us willnever know. You have a vision, too, my lionhearted friend; you justneed to slowly cultivate it. Vision comes subtly, with grace andsimple design. All that angel and brimstone mythology is the stuffof acid trips and is not true vision. Look to the flowers and stayaway from the stars-that’s my territory.
Virgo August 24- September 22
Virgo, you need to work on keeping your nose out of other people’sbusiness. If the answer to everyone’s problems were as simple asyou make them seem we’d have no need for talk shows. Take a lessonfrom Dr. Phil: He who nags the loudest gets stabbed the hardest.Figuratively, of course. I would never stab Dr. Phil. Honest.
Libra September 23- October 23
Quit living in the past. Quit it. Now. You look like a prick.
Scorpio October 24- November22
There is a certain population of the world that still believes infairies. Don’t judge them, Scorpio – their belief is just anotherform of superstition. People who look to woodish sprites forinspiration are no more ridiculous than those who look to the starsor even those who look to religion. The trick is to look beyondyour preconceived notions and see things as they really are. Whatsome may see as a fairy may be nothing more than the most beautifulwoman in the world.
Sagittarius November 23- December21
Oh, Sagittarius! So desperate for love! Please, sweetie, slow downand take a look at yourself. You are successful, sought after andbeautiful. And you did all yourself. Don’t waste all that talentand drive on the first piece of tail that comes along. You willfind love, I promise. But in order for it to work you’ve got to doit like you do everything else: on your own terms.
Capricorn December 22- January20
Much like your star mate, Sade, you always seem to be celebratingsomeone else. You Capricorns never seem to take time out tocelebrate the one who really counts. Remember – it takes a smoothoperator to know a smooth operator.
Aquarius January 21- February19
Dick Cheney is a story of success. He grew up in rural Texas,impressing a local oil tycoon so much he was given a fullscholarship to Yale after graduating high school. After theprestigious Ivy League College asked him to leave due to abysmalgrades, he was reduced to attending the University of Wyoming.Beside this setback he went on to become one of the most evil oldrich men in the United States, if not the world. Stay away from thedark side, Aquarius. It’s just not worth it.
Pisces February 20- March 20
Oh, Kurt! You were the voice of a generation! Why did you do it?Was it because you were a cowardly drug addict or just because youwere cowardly? Say no to drugs, Pisces. Also say no to thetemptation of three-chord rock and no to flannel shirts. It mayjust save your life.