Aries (March 21-April 20)
Controversy has gotten Spike Lee a lot of attention, both negativeand positive. Much like Mr. Lee, you subscribe to the “anypublicity is good publicity” school of thought. And while Iheartily support you in that, I would advise caution. As thereviews of Mr. Lee’s new movie lead me to wonder: Is your negativepublicity because you take a controversial stance or because you’resimply trying to be controversial? Take a look, Aries. You may notlike what you see.
Taurus (April 21- May 21)
You are in some deep trouble these days, my bullish companion. Andwhile I see no hope of you getting out of this one easily, I canoffer you some advise via your celebrity star mate Saddam Hussein.Speak with conviction, stick to your guns and wear a clean suit.There’s no weaseling out of trouble this time, but at least you canretain some semblance of dignity.
Gemini (May 22- June 21)
You’ve worked hard to get where you are, Gemini, and boy am I proudof you. One thing though, like our good friend Kylie, you arespreading yourself too thin. It’s one thing to have universalappeal, it’s another to try to be universally appealing. Narrowyour image, darling. Focused lust is better than looking like aslut.
Cancer (June22-July 22)
Derek Jeter has finally hit the big time. He dumped his longtimenon-celebrity girlfriend for the super-sexy appeal of Jessica Alba.A big mistake for Mr. Jeter, but a great lesson for you, Cancer.Don’t be blinded by the bright lights. Everyone gets old, and evenpretty people can end up alone. Do you see what I’m saying, Cancer?Quit thinking with your genitals; someday they’ll stop working.
Leo (July 23-August 23)
Happy Birthday to you, my lionhearted friend. You’ve accomplishedso much in the last year, and we’re all so proud. Stay true to yourpath – everyone’s impressed so far. Do us all a favor, though, andfrom now on work on giving a little warning before you shit in yourdrawers. Some surprises aren’t as welcome as others.
Virgo (August 24-September 22)
Time for the hard truth, Virgo. Your time is over. You keep holdingon and I’m sorry to tell you, but you’re becoming a parody ofyourself. Try something new Virgo, because I am sick of yourshit.
Libra (September 23- October23)
Big days ahead, Libra, and fortunately for you, you’re prepared.Like Hillary Duff, who just learned to drive but already bought aLand Rover, you plan ahead. My advice to you, however, is to plan alittle more conservatively. Sure, you’re on top of the world now,but who wants to be washed up at 18 with nothing to show for allyour fame but an overpriced SUV?
Scorpio (October 24-November22)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, everyone loves you soo much, Scorpio. You are onetough cookie and a real survivor. Tell me something, jerk, ifyou’re so much better than everyone else why aren’t you thevice-presidential candidate?
Sagittarius (November 23- December21)
Take an example from your fellow Sagittarius, William F. Buckley.The man has made a phenomenal career out of essentially just beinga jerk. You will succeed at anything, Sagittarius, and I don’t meanthat in an “ABC After School Special” sort of way. I mean it in aPatrick Swayze tearing the throat out of that guy in “Road House”sort of way. Who needs friends, anyway?
Capricorn (December 22- January20)
This is going to sound strange to you, Capricorn, but I advise youto drop your dreams. Stop following them now, before it’s too late.You’re getting weird and if you keep at it too long you’ll be toofucked up to help. Take a lesson from Howard Hughes: being crazy isno picnic.
Aquarius (January 21- February19)
Now that you’ve rid the world of that scary old ring of doom,what’re you going to do now? How about this: QUIT LIVING IN AFANTASY WORLD! Hobbits and gnomes are the things of children’sbooks and creepy fan fiction. Try sexing it up a bit, Aquarius, Trysomething hot. Like astrology.
Pisces (February 20- March 20)
Remember Don Quixote? The deluded, aging knight who mistookwindmills for giants? Well, he was loveable. You, however, are not.You are just deluded. And irritating. Stay out my state. We don’twant you.