• James L. Hart,the Republican congressional candidate from Tennessee, is runningunopposed in his district’s upcoming primary election thisThursday. The body-armor clad Hart is running on a gun-totingplatform that embraces the foggy notion of eugenics, the thoroughlydiscredited “science” that led to widespread sterilization in theUnited States and Nazi Germany in the early 20th century. Hart, whois crazy, has tried to calm angry Republicans nationwide byinsisting that his views are not rooted in racism, but in thesteadfast belief of “favored races” from Europe and Asia and “lessfavored races” from Africa – also known as racism.
• Once again,the Department of Homeland Security has spun the color wheel,conveniently heightening the terror alert as President Bush facessome heat – this time over his lackluster compliance with the 9/11commission’s recommendations. Financial institutions in New Yorkand Washington went “pumpkin” this weekend, even as it was revealedthat the intelligence the alert was based on was older than DickCheney’s second pacemaker. Stockbrokers at the terror-prone NYSEseemed unfazed by the announcement. “I’ve got no time for scares,”an unidentified broker claimed. “And anyway, if I don’t go to workand decimate the fragile economies of third world nations, well,that’s like letting the terrorists win.”
• Presidentialhopeful John Kerry ended July receiving a smaller boost in thepolls than was expected. After choosing pretty-boy Edwards as hisrunning mate and attending that whole Democratic Love-In debacle inBoston, most pollsters expected that Kerry would receive a heartypost-convention bounce, although this flat-fall shows how tight thepresidential race is. “You think this race is tight?” Kerrypontificated. “You should see me try to take a bowel movement.”
shiv (shiv) n. [Romany chiv,blade; later Prison Slang] a knife, esp. one used as a weapon, orformed by the sharpening of a spoon.
shank (shank) n. 1. a projectionor wire loop on some buttons that which they are sewn to fabric. 2.[Prison Slang] a knife, esp. one formed by the sharpening of aspoon.