800-lb guerrilla

President Bush and Vice President Cheney authorized former Cheney aide I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby to leak classified information to the press, which resulted in blowing the cover of CIA agent Valerie Plame, according to new court filings by Special Counsel Patrick Fitzgerald. The disclosure puts G-Dub in an awkward position, seeing as in 2003 he said he wanted “to know the truth” about how the information was leaked, and set into motion an investigation to find the source of the leak.

What this means for you: The Republican-controlled Congress will of course demand that the Pres. and V.P. will now face a vigorous impeachment and thorough investigation into their involvement in the leak. Oh wait. Ha ha ha.


According to a not very surprising report released this week by OSPRIG and the Oregon Student Alliance, 23 percent of students who graduate and take a job with the equivalent of a teacher’s salary would not be able to afford basic living costs due to the amount of debt accrued while attending school. For those attending four-year private schools the percentage was as high as 38 percent. Both groups suggest that an inability to pay debt might discourage students from pursuing public service careers. Well, that, and the nasty fact that public service generally blows.

What this means for you: One word. Plastics!


Professors are crying foul over a proposal by Oregon University System Vice Chancellor (and former PSU V.P.) Jay Kenton to pull the system out from the Public Employees Retirement System and the Public Employees Benefits Board. University employee benefits are costing the system $71 million this biennium, Kenton says, $40 million of which has to be shouldered by students. Kenton’s plan would ask employees to pay more for their benefits while offering them more salary, but faculty are skeptical how well the system will uphold its promise of more pay if the deal goes through.

What this means for you: OUS’s retirement solution: cut benefits until professors become so despondent they off themselves.


Oregon Reps. Greg Walden and Earl Blumenauer co-sponsored a bill that would create 77,500 acres of new wilderness in the Mount Hood National Forest. The bill drew praise from many Oregon environmental groups but predictably irked logging companies, who said that they only believe about 22,840 acres are worthy of being spared ecological rape.

What this means for you: 77,500 more acres to covertly grow weed and hold solstice rituals. Sounds good to us.


Week in Weird


Researchers working on an ancient biblical codex known as the Gospel of Judas have found evidence suggesting that Judas wasn’t actually the traitor he has been made out to be in previous gospels. Researchers say that according to the new gospel, Jesus had requested that Judas turn him over to the authorities and Judas simply complied. Perhaps then that kiss in the Garden of Gethsemane was just a fond goodbye after all.

What this means for you: It will sting quite a bit less when people call you a stinky, lying, poopy-face Judas.