Bradley Carroll: Man About Town

Dear Red Bull Fl퀌_gtag,

You need a ramp. You need two ramps actually, one big roll-inand a launcher. Please. For the love of half-hearted attempts atflying, build a launch ramp and get some non-man poweredpropulsion. Then come back to Portland with your new and improvedFl퀌_gtag. I promise you a better time, but more importantly, a moredangerous time.

Your initial idea for Fl퀌_gtag seems fantastic; build popculture-themed “flying” machines to push and ride off ofa 25-foot runway into urban water. But how long can you watch thesame nosedive over and over? You need speed, you need air, you needall the things that your Pixie Sticks-flavored energy drinkembodies. Oh, fuck it, you need a loop, ringed in fire. But mostlyyou need a new announcer. Where’d you get that assh퀌_le, theX-Games?

As it is, Fl퀌_gtag is entertaining for all of twenty minutes.With $5000 and three hours of work, it could be the most hilariousshow on earth. If you promise danger, give them danger. Gravity,like your show, is free. And there’s plenty out there. Learn to useit, and then call Portland. I mean P퀌_rtland.


Sauvie’s Island Clothing OptionalBeach

It’s not what you think. Wait a minute, yeah, it is.

“Look at that guy’s wiener. It’s tiny. Awesome.”

The locals at Collins Beach on Sauvie’s Island have more ballsthan any Fl?gtag pilot I saw last weekend. You can see them foryourself. “The beach nude” is a strange one. He’s usuallya male in his mid-30s, by himself with a book and a towel. I wonderabout their psyches. Are nudists at home thinking, “Sure is abeautiful day. Better grab my paperback copy of “Choke”and a beach towel and head to the Collins beach…by myself.”Hmmm.

Then you have your old people, who are years past giving a fuckwhat you think. God love them, all of them, every little bit ofthem. I didn’t know that the human body could do that. Form thoseshapes I mean.

Seeing the children is a bit unnerving. I guess it a good thingto be comfortable with your body at a young age, but would you takeyour children to a nude beach filled with lonely 30-somethingsreading Palahniuk?

The rest of them are like you and me, some nude, some not, justlooking for something to spice up a rather normal swimming hole.Besides the hilarious scenery, the water is perfect and the sand isvelvet. And if you feel like it, you can join in a game of nudevolleyball, which is my new favorite sport to watch.

Caution: my friend found a man jerking it in the woods. When theman jerker spotted my friend, he kept pumping.