Help me: I’m poor

So it’s finally June. The end is nigh. Lots of people are graduating and getting ready to leave school forever, or continue on with grad school, or jobs, or travel…you get the point. But let’s face the facts: When we go, we’ve got six months to prepare for a lifetime of paying off our student loans.

Conquering the sea

Throughout college I’ve thought it would be neat to try scuba diving. But it never quite fit with my schedule, I was too nervous to take it by myself and it seemed like one of those activities pretentious rich people do in order to show off how much gear they can afford.

No, you can’t have my passwords

The Oregon Senate just passed a bill that doesn’t raise as many eyebrows as what the bill seeks to prohibit. If made into law, House Bill 2645B would “prevent businesses from demanding passwords to Twitter and Facebook as conditions of employment,” according to KATU News.

Butt tax

Smoking is true freedom: a glorious exhibition of one’s inner dragon, a sexy statement of youthful allure, a luxurious way to hire a hit man for five dollars a day.

A new prosthetic

The first film I vividly recall watching is the original Star Wars. Every Sunday as a kid I’d come home from church and watch it with my parents. At some point they introduced me to the sequel, The Empire Strikes Back. I was enthralled with the film up until the scene where Darth Vader cuts Luke’s hand off. If that tidbit is a spoiler for anyone, I apologize (but also, it’s 2013 and if you haven’t seen Star Wars then you should reevaluate your life).

Green Eyez

By now I think it’s safe to say that nearly every Portland State student knows the school’s stance on sustainability. Portland is one of the greenest cities in the country, so it makes sense that the state’s largest public university values green living as well.

Your debt is their profit

As though life isn’t already hard enough on students financially, now the government is making a massive profit on our struggle to become educated, well-rounded citizens.

Embrace the chemical super-future

Democracy, you make fools of us all. Did you throw back your ringleted hair in laughter when Athens cast itself for all-consuming war with Sparta? Did it cross your changeable mind to intercede in the trial of Socrates? Were you sunk stone-drunk into a bed of silk cushions when Rubicon-crossing Caesar cast you into centuries’ abeyance?