Today’s Birthday (February 19)
Don’t drop the soap.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
If you keep hiding in the shadows, Aries, she’ll never know she has a stalker.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Headphones only stop others from hearing your music, not your disgusting voice when you sing along. Inconsiderate bastard.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Chocolate is an aphrodisiac, that’s why it’s not a hospital JELL-O flavor.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
When posing as a French teacher, Leo, avoid speaking only gibberish.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You don’t look good with dreadlocks.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
When your saliva holds the consistency of gravy, Libra, it’s time to fire your shrink and hire a real doctor.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You are not a werewolf.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Drinking blood will not get you the presidential nomination you crave.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Licking exotic toads may get you high, Aquarius, but it won’t stop The Man from watching your every move.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Whining about your botched bleach job won’t make your hair grow back, Pisces, so shut up.
– Your Psychic Friend at the Vanguard