Daily Horoscope

Today’s Birthday (Oct. 15)

It’s a sad, sad day when even your dog won’t eat your food.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Instead of spending time alone in a bar, try spending time alone with a bar.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Captain Crunch is not part of any of the food groups. Nor is it a sex aid.

Gemini (May 21-June21)

Solace can never be found in your reflection, no matter how pretty you think you are.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Have you ever wondered why Popes have no hair? I know I have.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)


Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)


Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Since when does the game “Patty Cake” involve chocolate syrup and a donkey?

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

There will be no comeuppence on this day, Scorpio. But beware, dark clouds of comeuppence are on the horizon. And they’re waiting to ask you for a cigarette.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

The internet shorthand “LOL” is not a way of life.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Just because they couldn’t drag you into the ocean last time doesn’t mean a wet, wet bout of revenge isn’t waiting for you.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Owning an extensive collection of cowboy paraphenalia does not give you bragging rights.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Everyone knows that you’re hiding something; what they don’t know is that it’s a man-tail.

-Your Psychic Friend at the Vanguard