Daily Horoscope

Today’s Birthday (February 26)

Now is the time to explore. With Zephron in the House of Sirius your creative instincts are at an all-time high. Don’t shy away from enacting a long-pondered plan.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Your string of recent financial successes runs out. Back to hookin’ it on the corner.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

A long forgotten acquaintance assumes an important role in your life.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Don’t let your frustration boil over…yet.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

The crab’s grasp tightens. Let your optimism help you wriggle free.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Erections lasting longer than four hours, though rare, require immediate medical help.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Today is the day to add the superfluous vowel to your name.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Help comes in unexpected packages. Maybe that crazy, gibberish-spouting old man who accosts you every day when you try to buy burritos isn’t so crazy after all.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Forget freebasing, freedom flows from freeform Freemasonry.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Enlightenment lies hidden in this very issue of the Vanguard. Search for it at all costs. Here’s a clue: 6 – ou – 45. Now get to it!

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

A recent horoscope left you confused. Ha ha.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Sometimes you feel like a nut…

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Sometimes you don’t.

– Your Psychic Friend at the Vanguard