Daily Horoscope

Today’s Birthday (Nov. 19)

Well happy birthday, you lucky person, you! Turned 21 yet? No? Then it’s not really a happy birthday. How ’bout this: a very merry un-birthday to all who are over 21!

Aries (March 21-April 19)

“Today, you’ve got the touch. You’ve got the power. When all hell’s breaking loose, you’ll be right in the eye of the storm.”

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

“Who in the blue hell are you?”

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

“There is only one master of the ring … and he does not share power.”

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

“You need to take care of your sick friend. M’kay?”

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

“Have you ever loved somebody so much it makes you cry? No? Insensitive bastard.”

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

“Larry’s not white, he’s clear.”

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)


Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

“No matter what a stripper says, there’s no sex in the champagne room. None.”

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

“I know half of you as much as I like, and I like half of you as much as you deserve.”

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

“She had on those big, ugly granny panties.”

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

“Eddie, why you treat me like animal?”

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

“And I could have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for you meddling kids!”

– Your Psychic Friend at the Vanguard