Daily Horoscope

Today’s Birthday (Oct. 8)

Gimme a break, come on, gimme a break; break me off a piece of that KitKat bar.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Has anybody bought a Whatchamacallit since 1989? Gag me with a spoon.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

One time after eating 87 Snickers Bars I couldn’t move for a week. And I had to drink Dr. Pepper.

Gemini (May 21-June21)

You’re like a Fifth Avenue candy bar on Burnside at 3 a.m.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Mentos: the freshmaker is not a reference to DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince’s critically-acclaimed debut, “He’s the DJ, I’m the Rapper.”

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

What you like to eat is not, and never will be considered a candy bar.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

BubbleTape is not film stock. Thank you very much, Francois Truffaut.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

You’re like a Henry Kissinger Pez dispenser. They only made two (both of which are owned by Henry Kissinger).

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Eating a Milky Way and smoking a cigarette does not mean you got away with anything.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Some people believe that the crunch of a Nestle Crunch Chocolate bar comes from puffed rice. I like to think it is made by harmless insects.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Today you are a Mr. Goodbar, but don’t read too much into that.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Almond Joy has nuts. Mounds don’t.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

How do you eat a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup? Stop sitting on it, you sonuvabitch!