Daily Horoscope

In response to the unfortunate theft of the Vanguard’s prizedNintendo, your psychic friend predicts your future in honor of ourlost companion.

Today’s Birthday (April 27)
The celebration of your birthday will only cause you to mourn theloss of your favorite childhood toy.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Prepare to be beaten by hundreds of little blocks falling intoplace on your head, faster and faster.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Remember to stop and smell the roses, Taurus, for they may give youfire-power.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
One day you will understand that Mario and Luigi are simply twosides of the same coin, much like yourself.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
If you are lucky, heaven will be filled with immensely huge boxersthat you can tickle to death, even though you are just a tinylittle man in shorts. And maybe there’ll be some other stuff.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You will never know the greatest love of all loves, the love of aplumber and his brother.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You will never get more than 99 lives, Virgo, so stop chasing afteruseless coins.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
The old games are the best.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Always trust gravity-defying vines, they will never let youdown.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
They say size doesn’t matter, but bigger pixels are undeniablycomforting.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Ignoring the game will not stop it from going on, na�veCapricorn.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
There are no consolation prizes for getting to the wrongcastle.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
It was you, wasn’t it? Worthless Pisces.