Daily Horoscope

Today’s Birthday (February 17)

I knew someone like you once, Aquarius. Yep, they really thought they were a piece of work. Of course, they were the only one who thought that.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

It doesn’t matter what kind of party it is, jokes about the size of your anus are never appropriate.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Don’t be discouraged when people tell you that you have a thick skull. Just tell them that you like to “shake your gourd.”

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Stop talking about the German cannibal. You’re grossing people out.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Stupid whiskey. Why am I powerless to resist you?

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

The word “softcore” should never reference a ham sandwich.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

The possible outcomes of your current situation have been limited to the following two possibilities: rubba, rubba, rubba, or rubba, rubba, rubba.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Remember that one time when you took that trip with that one dude? That was cool.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Look, I’m totally serious, I didn’t let the neighbor’s cat inside.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

End scene.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Repeat after me: I will never call my significant other “my little hand warmer” ever again.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

I don’t care what your eighth grade science teacher told you, boys don’t menstruate.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Have you ever noticed that people look at you funny? Why is that?

– Your Psychic Friend at the Vanguard