Doohickeys and doodads

Our society tends to be a tad silly when it comes to buying stuff. Last year a 10-year-old cheese sandwich sold on eBay for $28,000 because the mold had grown into the shape of the Virgin Mary’s face. Shortly afterwards, a man auctioned off a Nutri-Grain cereal bar that resembled E.T. for $1,035. People will buy just about anything.

While most of us laugh at these purchases, it’s actually quite sad. Why waste your money on products that really hold no substantial value? This year, several products are debuting in the United States that seem utterly absurd. While they are slightly more useful than half-eaten pieces of food, they still hold little merit. But much of our society is based on material goods, so if you have a desire to purchase meaningless products, think of this list as a buyer’s paradise.

To begin with, we will look at toilet paper with the name of Hemo-Roll. Yes, you can now ease your inflammation with the gentle swipe of toilet paper. According to the company Tento, their product will “reduce bleeding, swelling, burning and itching and protect the affected anus in general.” While the relief that Hemo-Roll brings sounds amazing, I’m curious to know if blowing your nose with this product could cause damage to your sinuses. I say stick with Preparation H.

Another product on the market is aimed toward the bathroom industry as well. The creation Whiff claims to eliminate the smell of your poop. Whiff is available in capsule form and must be taken twice daily. The company’s originator states that, “Just like underarm deodorant, Whiff is about selfless community courtesy.” I agree that public restrooms can be quite offensive to the nostrils, but hey, it’s nature. But if you decide to take this pill, and are wondering if there are side effects, yes, there are. The website clearly confesses that during the first couple of weeks you may experience extreme flatulence and/or diarrhea. No offense to the company, but I’m fine with my shit stinking.

Next we look at an amazing product called the Wonderjock. Similar to the concept of the woman’s Wonderbra, this product claims to have the same effect on a man’s nether regions. This wonder gift is guaranteed to lift and separate while enhancing size. Is that even natural? According to its website, Wonderjock has sold over 50,000 “cups” since its launch. I suppose it must be doing something right, but wouldn’t a tube sock be cheaper?

The next product is targeted toward the female audience. Kumho, a tire manufacturer, has invented a line of scented tires. These ingenious tires are said to replace the black rubber smell with luxurious smells of lavender, orange or jasmine that are released with heat-resistant oils. These tires will actually be sold at your local Discount Tire Store for around $120 per tire. Personally, I think the hanging air fresheners do the job just fine.

Finally, we are left with a product found at your local Sam’s Club. Not cereal, not trash bags, but a private jet. That’s right, a $2,734,600 jet sold by Cessna Citation Mustang. It’s highly unlikely that a jet is on most people’s shopping lists, but if it is, you’re in luck. Since Sam’s Club is known for its bulk deals they wanted an incentive for a jet purchase as well. For one, the jet is available immediately-most jet buyers are put on a wait list for over a year. Secondly, when purchasing a jet, Sam’s Club will throw in a lifetime membership. Now that’s what I call a bulk deal.

While many of these products sound like jokes, unfortunately, people will actually purchase them. People want the newest, most outrageous products on the market, whether they need them or not. And if you actually purchase one of these products, let us know how it goes.