College relationships, especially ones started in high school then carried into college, are very similar to the Russian space program in that they are unreliable and notoriously prone to breaking down before exploding in a dramatic fashion.
Also like the Russian space program, this is often due to poor communication – or faulty connections with fuel lines, but you should probably see a doctor for that. Regardless, whether you have a relationship you’d like to begin, repair or gently break from, I cannot stress enough the importance of healthy, open and honest communication.
All relationships are communicative, and romantic ones are doubly so. Especially considering the multitude of stressors that accompany college life (distance, classes, projects, new people, etc.), it really is no shock that many fragile young couples can’t hack it and break up. However, this can be avoided, or at least minimized, by honesty. When you are dealing with your romantic partner, there are a few crucial things to keep in mind.
First, it is important to be open about things. Talk about everything, good or bad (I emphasize good as well as bad; if all you do is complain, that is just as bad as not actually talking about anything.) There are few things in life as infuriating as this conversation:
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“OK…”
“WHY AREN’T YOU FIXING THE PROBLEM?”
“There was a problem?”
“WHY DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND ME?”
Nobody benefits from that exchange, and behavior such as that will sink your relationship faster than a torpedo. Or make it explode like a Russian spacecraft. Either way, be articulate about what you are feeling. Even if you aren’t ready to discuss it, which is perfectly fine, just say as much. Getting upset at your partner for things you haven’t talked about is unfair and extremely detrimental. One of my exes did that all the time, and it’s one of the biggest reasons she is an ex. People are not psychic, and until you can prove your partner is, you need to express yourself to them out loud.
However, while openness is vital, it is only a first step. You also need to be truthful about how you are feeling. It is not always easy to give or receive criticism, but it is a necessary, if unpleasant, part of life. Also, the ability to give and take criticism in a calm, rational way is a sure sign of maturity. Failure to handle criticism is a sign of any number of possible problems such as immaturity, anger issues, selfishness or mental instability. Any of these, or all of these, might demonstrate the person is neither ready nor capable of being in a romantic relationship.
Communication will benefit you regardless of the outcome. If your partner responds well and improves, your relationship has grown stronger and you win. You may learn that you need to adjust your expectations, and that there is something you are doing wrong. Again, things have improved and you win. Or, if they freak out and get upset any time you bring up your concerns, you have learned that they are not worth your time and you should probably consider dropping them as fast as possible. Sometimes, the discussion isn’t even about fixing the problem as much as having both people express themselves, which is good too.
There is one major caveat – you must be rational and kind. There is a big difference between “Yo, you are doing this thing and it’s bugging the crap out of me,” and “Hey sweetie, I get you are really stressed out with finals, but I’d really appreciate it if you’d stop doing that.” When handled well, a healthy couple can discuss effectively anything, which is the key to a happy relationship.
Be understanding, as well. As college progresses, things become increasingly difficult for students, whether they are in a relationship or not. Romantic partners can make all the difference and help be the support you need, or the stress of school combined with romance can be overwhelming. It’s easy to get caught up in all that stress and freak out or forget what your partner is going through.
My girlfriend studied Mechanical Engineering, and during her senior year, despite the fact that we live together, it seemed that her classmates saw her more than I did. She was in charge of a small team tasked with designing a gear train for an electric Formula 1 race car for the Oregon State University racing team.
She would regularly work 14-18 hours a day on the project and not come home until 3 a.m. It was incredibly frustrating for me, as I felt like I barely saw her. I had to be understanding and remember that as much as it sucked for me, it was even more awful for her. I still don’t know how she did all of that, continued to function as a normal human being and made time to spend with me. I’m incredibly proud of her and tell her that on a regular basis.
In addition to solving problems, good communication can help avert many problems, which is preferable. The old expression “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” is just as true in relationships as in medicine. You will be much happier if you can avoid problems instead of having to fix them.
Another issue to keep in mind is that if the relationship is a sexual one, that adds another layer of complexity. Few things in human life are as complicated, important, fantastic and tricky to handle as sex. With all of the connotations and denotations associated with it, clear communication is even more important. If you are starting your first sexual relationship, I cannot express strongly enough how much you need to talk carefully and clearly with your new lover.
It’s telling that when you Google “communication in relationships” about 48,000,000 results turn up, most of them asking “how can I be better at communicating?” The answer is actually pretty simple: be open, honest, kind and understanding. If you do this reliably, you will find your worthwhile relationships will improve dramatically, and the ones that are not worth it will end much faster and stop wasting your extremely valuable time and energy. Remember, don’t waste your time on bad people .
Here’s to wishing you great times and fulfilling sex, whether you are in a relationship or not.
