Few redeeming qualities

This Sunday, FOX’s hit show 24 returns to the airwaves as a two-hour TV movie, 24: Redemption, bridging the gaps between season six and next January’s season seven. Frankly, I couldn’t care less.

If you’ve been living in a cave for the past seven years (like many of the show’s antagonists), 24 is FOX’s action-laden dramatic response to 9/11, featuring the fiercely patriotic counter-terrorist agent Jack Bauer. Each episode takes place over the course of an hour. So if an hour passes while you sit on your couch, an hour passes in the show. Each season, in turn, has 24 episodes.

Conveniently, the characters all take three-minute breaks to stand around dramatically while jingoistic truck commercials blare in between invitations to clog your arteries at fast food restaurants. So really, while an hour passes in 24, you only see about 43 minutes of it.

So what does an hour of 24, 24 times a season equal? Yes, for those of you who passed remedial mathematics, it equals one day. And after six seasons of watching Kiefer Sutherland breathlessly whisper-talk into a cell phone about how the Counter Terrorist Unit has a leak, I’m done.

The problem? Despite being painfully formulaic, 24 is no longer relevant. Since the American public stopped shitting themselves every time the Bushies boosted the terror threat level to burgundy, watching Kiefer Sutherland, dressed as Captain America, hoist the American flag onto his cock then spear terrorists with his star spangled member just doesn’t cut it.

And, because Americans have noticed photographs of their elected officials overseas wearing sweatshirts adorned with the words “Proud Canadian,” the national trend of xenophobia has somewhat subsided.

But Jack Bauer, 24‘s protagonist, remains fervently nationalistic. Despite having been frequently betrayed in past seasons by politicians and friends, Bauer remains a freedom-loving American and he protects his country the best way he knows how: torture.

Watching an episode of 24, one can’t help but wonder if Jack has some BDSM tendencies, seeing as he’ll waterboard a puppy if it’ll get him some information.

Bauer spends a good portion of every season threatening to use, engaging in and defending his unsavory interrogation techniques. But what about the occasional suspect who plays ball? Fuck it, they’re probably lying, hook a car battery up to their genitals and rev the engine.

When 24: Redemption begins, Bauer is living in the fictional African nation of Sangala dodging a subpoena that would require him to appear before the Senate. Sure, that makes sense. Instead of obey the laws of a country he loves so much, Bauer runs away to the other side of the world. In response, the U.S. government sends State Department official Frank Tramell to find Bauer and serve him the subpoena.

The showdown between Bauer and Tramell is unintentionally hilarious. After sassily snapping his fingers and informing Bauer that he has been served, Tramell extends his hand holding the enveloped subpoena.

Bauer grabs Tramell’s wrist and twists it, forcing the State Department official to drop the subpoena as if just touching the subpoena would force Jack to return to Washington. The men stare grimly at each other, before Tramell, obviously intimidated by Bauer’s towering four-and-a-half-foot stature, breaks away.

Holy shit! Who gives a fuck? If you’ve been trying to escape a subpoena by running to the other side of the world, what’s the worst that could happen if you actually received a copy of said subpoena? Plus, who goes into exile to avoid a subpoena? Karl Rove was subpoenaed by Congress twice and then held in contempt of Congress, and where is he now? Well, when he’s done getting his rocks off to photos of Rupert Murdoch, he’ll probably be organizing Sarah Palin’s 2012 White House bid.

Honestly, I couldn’t even get halfway through 24: Redemption. The plot involves Bauer getting stuck in the middle of a military coup in Sangala involving child soldiers, some shady going-ons with the State Department and me caring so little it hurts.

Kiefer Sutherland continues to avoid acting by whispering super loud, refusing to smile and grimacing his way through every conversation, John Voight lazily plays some sort of shady Blackwater-type official, and America’s first female president, Allison Taylor, is played by Cherry Jones (whose name sounds suspiciously like a pornstar’s).

Ultimately, if you love the continually formulaic plots, uninspired acting and predictable twists of 24, get geared up for two hours of Jack Bauer’s Redemption this Sunday night. For the rest of us, there’s another, much cooler super-spy with the initials J.B. we could be watching for two hours.

Six days in the life of Jack Bauer A rundown of 24‘s seasons thus far

Warning: Spoilers abound

Day one: Jack is tasked, as director of the Counter Terrorist Unit, with halting an attempted assassination of Sen. David Palmer, democratic presidential contender. Shit gets personal when Jack’s wife and daughter are kidnapped. Issues are made all the more disturbing when it is revealed there is a mole in CTU. Needless to say, Jack thwarts the assassination plot, saves his family (initially) and outs the mole, but not before his wife is fatally shot.

Day two: Jack has to stop a terrorist cell from detonating a nuclear bomb in downtown Los Angeles, all while dealing with the recently blown-to-shit CTU headquarters. A traitor inside now-President David Palmer’s administration is revealed, and Jack works to uncover what’s really going down: greedy businessmen try to implicate high-level officials of unspecified Middle Eastern countries in the attempted nuke attack so they can profit off of ensuing war and skyrocketing oil prices. Jack saves the day, except President Palmer collapses, his fate unknown.

Day three: Palmer lived and is up for re-election. But it wouldn’t be 24 if there weren’t terrorists threatening a biological weapons attack on Los Angeles (again) if drug-lord Ramon Salazar is not released from prison. Palmer’s ex-wife betrays him, Jack kills the woman who killed his wife and, of course, eventually saves the day. Palmer, irritated by all that’s gone down, drops out of his re-election bid. Over the course of the day, Jack starts doing heroin so he has an in with the group attempting to free Salazar.

Day four: Jack gets fired from CTU for heroin addiction, but is now working security detail for Secretary of Defense James Heller, all the while banging Heller’s daughter, Audrey. The bad guy here is Habib Marwan, a terrorist mastermind. Marwan’s terrorist cells are all tasked with different things over the course of the day, a majority of which are thwarted by Jack Bauer, who must go into hiding at the end of the day because of some lame misunderstanding.

Day five: Frank Flynn (Jack’s undercover alter-ego) is working as a day laborer at an oil refinery in Mojave. Then Jack, who is believed dead, is framed for the murder of David Palmer (among others). Jack finds this to be whack and comes out of hiding. In the process, he has to work with CTU to thwart a massive government conspiracy going as high up as the president. Yawn…

Day six: Jack was illegally detained by the Chinese at the end of day five for shit that went down in day four. President Wayne Palmer arranges for Jack to be released. It is then revealed that 11 weeks before the beginning of day six, the United States was the target of numerous suicide bombings. Some dude named Fayed claims to know who masterminded the bombings and says he’ll tell CTU if they give him Jack Bauer. It is soon revealed that Fayed is actually the baddy himself and has arranged nuclear strikes all over the United States. Jack manages to save the day, but not before a nuclear device is detonated in Valencia.