"Alone in the Dark" Jan. 28
Your favorite video game is a movie! As Tara Reid says in the trailer, "It’s happening again." A suddenly middle-aged Christian Slater stars as Washed-up Actor in "The Dreaded Attack of the Bad CGI," where dragon-like creatures who live underground are lying in wait to bore audiences across the nation. And all to the sweet sounds of Godsmack. Movies of such mind-boggling uselessness are required annually, but with any luck it will slip quietly into obscurity and this is the last time we’ll hear about it.
"Rebound" April 15
I liked this movie better when it was called "Stand and Deliver." I liked it worse when it was called "Ladybugs." Television’s most unlovable cross-eyed smack-talker Mah-in Lawrence stars as a hotshot basketball coach who is reduced to teaching the young, fat and awkward how to dribble. Socially feeble high-schoolers joining sports teams? Between masturbating and having their self-esteem destroyed by their peers, where do they find the time?
"The Longest Yard" May 27
Watch Adam Sandler run out of ideas. This time around, Sandler plays an inmate charged with assembling a football team to compete against the prison guards. Is it a comedy? A buddy drama? Hopefully, it’s a PG-13 adaptation of X-rated blockbuster "The Longest Dong."
"Ice Princess" March 18
In yet another ugly-because-she’s-smart tween movie, a physically blessed young girl plays the social misfit she would never be in real life. This time, she discovers a mathematical equation that enables her to become an expert figure skater overnight. In addition to being a tremendous insult to normal figure skaters who sacrifice their lives, childhoods and (in the case of Tonya Harding) sanity to their craft, she’ll overcome some trivial odds and learn a valuable life lesson by taking second place in the climactic skating competition.
"The New World" Nov. 9
Colin Farrell’s latest piece of shit invites us to "discover America." Millions will flock to "The New World" thinking they’re seeing a movie about Christopher Columbus, but it is actually about John "Can you paint with all the colors of the wind" Smith. Many will see, few will notice or care. This one doesn’t come out until fall, but we all deserve fair warning. Watching last year’s epic nightmare "Alexander" without Colin Farrell may have felt less like eternal damnation and more like having one’s toenails ripped out.
"Constantine" Feb. 18
Keanu "Krapfest" Reeves is finally in a part he deserves – the douchy lead in a horror/fantasy that should have gone straight to video. John Constantine is some sort of Crowish superhero who sees dead people. His eyes are shifty. "Any minute now someone is going to notice that I’m a hack and an eyesore," he appears to be thinking, "and I’ll never work again." Here’s hoping.