Five New Years’ resolutions you can keep!

Every year, along with a huge hangover and the removal of some intense beer goggles, the masses awake on New Year’s Day with a set of impossible-to-uphold resolutions.

Oh yes, my friends, it is that time of year again. The New Year will soon be upon us, and after you figure out what you are going to wear, and of course which party you will be gracing, you will soon be sitting down to work out your goals for making yourself the perfect person in the upcoming quartet of seasons.

Perhaps you want to drop 10 pounds; maybe you’re going to put down the cigarettes and pick up the broccoli. Who knows, you may even want to trade in your old beau for a sexy Abercrombie model with flaxen locks.

Yes, this is going to be the year you say that by February you will eat only organic produce and consciously recycle every scrap of product you use. By April you will have successfully taken up biking and learned to play the harmonica. By June you will have six-pack abs and an ass you can bounce a quarter off of. Shoot, come next fall you will have sculpted, plucked, recycled and upgraded yourself into a brand new person.

Mmm . . . exciting. Yet as time goes by, that little piece of paper stating your new life goals gets moved from the fridge to the floor and eventually to the trash bin. Dreams of six-pack abs will dissolve into a resolution to pick up a six-pack every time you’re out of the house. In April you won’t learn the harmonica, as much as consider buying one each time you watch Once Upon a Time in the West, and the only way a quarter will bounce off your ass in the fall is if you have finally eaten enough Starbucks specialty cakes that the sheer reverb of force against your flabby behind sends the quarter flying in a Jell-O-like, bouncing action.

So here is the question, dear reader: Why disappoint yourself? Each year you set yourself up for inevitable failure, and as a result, have a much-lowered self-esteem. Subsequently, The Vanguard is no longer supporting the making of impossible-to-uphold common resolutions. No, we’re bringing you five resolutions you can keep.

1. Lose 10 pounds? No! Dieting and exercise is overrated. This year, focus on gaining as much weight as humanly possible. Thirty-two pounds in your left thigh? Child’s play! Extra grease on your on BLT? Yes, please!

2. Normal resolution: Give up smoking those nasty, yet tasty cigarettes. And we at The Vanguard agree: Do give up the tobacco… and take up the crack! Nothing says success like a big ole’ pipe full of the jitter juice.

3. Now that you’ve taken up the rock and packed on a few, it’s time to get down on your knees and repent— to your professors! We all know that Portland State teachers don’t get paid worth a crap, so lend a hand (and a sexual favor) to your favorite PSU prof. That leads us to resolution number three: Become a slut! Screw finding the love of your life this year; instead, love screwing everyone in your life!

4. While you are improving your overall well-being, you will also need to up the entertainment. But instead of taking up jogging or watching plays, or even writing for a student newspaper, we suggest taking up religious TV watching. Why improve your mind when you can improve the ratings of I Love New York?

5. Finally, it’s time to counteract the most coveted resolution of all: being a better person. This just hurts people; no one ever actually becomes a better person. Really, you’re never going to give back to the homeless, and soon you will forget to send off that $10 a month to Greenpeace. So instead of resolving to give, this year resolve to take…everything you possibly can.
Start by asking the money-hungry Green-Peacers for donations to your new “I want to get a better TV to watch I Love New York” fund. Homeless people want your food? Sure, but only in exchange for their cart. Give up on goodwill toward men, and embrace goodwill toward you. Sure, it’s selfish, but you will end up with, at the very least, a pocketful of change and a smelly blanket.

So there it is! Your Vanguard-approved New Year’s resolutions. Because while following these five goals may cause you to become fat, diseased, cracked-out, lonely and dumb, you will have the satisfaction of knowing you fulfilled all of your goals, and as gyms across America try to teach us every year, there is no greater satisfaction than fulfilling a New Year’s resolution.