From Shiv to Shank

•  In response to a federal judge’s ruling lastweek that will condense a plethora of sexual discriminationlawsuits into the largest single class-action lawsuit in U.S.history, Wal-Mart beamed a corporate statement to its one millionemployees via televisions that hung down from the ceilings of theirpoorly-swept superstores, coast to coast. This “1984”-like momentfollowed the convenient creation of the Wal-Mart office ofdiversity and a pledge to protect gay workers. “Or as we atWal-Mart like to call them,” a spokesman for the corporation said,”union organizers.”

•  On Tuesday, John Kerry chose South CarolinaSenator John Edwards as Vice Presidential running mate for the 2004democratic ticket. The Bush-Cheney camp immediately retorted bycreating a venomous 60-second television ad criticizing Edwards asKerry’s second choice after Republican Senator John McCain rejectedhis advances. “Well actually, that goober Edwards was my thirdchoice,” Kerry was overhead saying. “The ghost of Ronald Reagannever returned my phone calls.”

•  In what is becoming one of the most bizarrestrings of misinformation of the year, U.S. Marine folk hero,Corporal Wassef Ali Hassoun, the former P.O.W. and former beheadingvictim, was reportedly set free by his Iraqi insurgent captors.According to a statement released Tuesday by his brother SamiHassoun, this was after the corporal pledged to quit the U.S. ArmedForces. While in the wake of his proposed departure otherdisgruntled U.S. soldiers in Iraq have quipped, “Shit, if I knew itwould be that easy to get out of this fucked-up war, I would’vepaid some insurgent asshole to not behead me three fucking weeksago.”

•  On Tuesday, British Prime Minister Tony Blairstated that the secretive U.S. prison camp at Guantanamo Bay, Cubawas an “anomaly” that must end. This, of course, is following asimilar proclamation made by the majority of Britons claiming thatBlair’s tenure as prime minister, or as “the more eloquent handpuppet of George W. Bush,” was an “anomaly” that must end.

•  A U.S. fighter pilot who “mistakenly” did whatmany a U.S. fighter pilot has dreamt of for a long time, bomb fourCanadian soldiers, was found guilty Tuesday of dereliction of duty.The four Canadian soldiers who died in the accidental attack inAfghanistan were the first to be killed in combat since the KoreanWar, not counting the Stanley Cup Finals of 1979.

•  Tuesday afternoon, the Portland Roman CatholicArchdiocese filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy in the face of mountingsex abuse lawsuits, becoming the first archdiocese in the nation toseek legal protection from the raising expenditures of the numeroussuits. While it took their god only seven days to create the world,it seems that it will only take a handful of pedophilic priests tobankrupt it.

•  On Monday, the interim prime minister of Iraq,Iyad Allawi, said that he would not interfere if the Iraqi tribunalcharged with trying former Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein returned adeath penalty verdict. Saddam, flustered by the possibility ofbeing put to death, still holds hope for the possibility of exile,preferably a permanent spot on MTV’s Spring Break. “I have put alot of people to death before and it has always looked veryunpleasant,” Saddam said, trying to make his case, “and I’ve alwayswanted to travel. And if I’m given the opportunity to do that withboth Britney and Christina, who am I to say no?”

•  This week Queen Elizabeth II dedicated afountain in Hyde Park to the memory of Princess Diana. While sheadmitted that in the past she had trouble with her commondaughter-in-law, “she had made such an impact on our lives.”Unfortunately, that impact pales in comparison to the deadly impactof her limousine into a cement divider.


shiv (shiv) n. [Romany chiv, blade; later Prison Slang]a knife, esp. one used as a weapon, or formed by the sharpening ofa spoon.

shank (shank) n. 1. a projection or wire loop on somebuttons that which they are sewn to fabric. 2. [Prison Slang] aknife, esp. one formed by the sharpening of a spoon.