From Shiv to Shank

•  Former Governor of Oregon, Neil Goldschmidtadmitted last week to committing nine months of rubba rubba with afourteen-year old girl in the 1970s,while he was 35 and mayor ofPortland. Isn’t it weird that with the war on terror, Fox’s recentairing of “The Swan” and now this, Bill Clinton seems like a betterperson everyday? Goldschmidt apologized to his friends, family andto those who had put trust in him, believing that he was more thanjust an “old perv.” Goldschmidt then resigned from all of hispublic and private positions due to deteriorating health involvingheart arrhythmia and blocked arteries. Yes, that’s right, blockedarteries and arrhythmia of his cold, cold, black heart.

•  Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld went onthe defensive Friday before a Congressional panel examining theabuse at the Iraqi prison, Abu Ghraib. Rumsfeld’s opening statementwas interrupted when a group of protesters, sitting in on thepublic hearing started screaming “war criminal,” demanding hisresignation before they were escorted out of the proceedings afterabout a minute of outcry. When asked later about the delay, Rummyanswered, “I didn’t realize they were letting my family in.”

•  A new Starbucks is slated to open in the IonePlaza, 400 feet from the Starbucks in Smith Memorial Student Unionand 600 feet from the Starbucks on Park and Columbia. The newcoffee shop is located next to the new Subway, also in the IonePlaza, also 400 feet from the Subway in Smith Memorial. Never againwill you have to walk 200 ft in either direction to pay a $1.60 fora cup of crappy coffee. To commemorate the opening of the newStarbucks, Starbucks is expected to break ground on three newStarbucks’ stores, all within a 20 ft radius of one another.

•  Later this week, the first court martialrelating to the abuse of prisoners at Abu Ghraib will begin andwill be open to the media, including members of the Arab press. The24-year-old military policeman faces up to one year in prison, ifconvicted. While the soldier will most likely do more hard timethan both Martha Stewart and the heads of WorldCom combined, underthe majority of U.S. states’ law that same soldier would do a hard15 to 20 for a similar act. Hmmm, what a wonderful world.

•  Not comfortable only being a sounding boardfor Phil Busse’s Me for Mayor campaign, last week the PortlandMercury became a “Phil Busse: Me for Mayor” pamphlet: all Busse,all the time. While we at the Shivtastic Desk of Shankdom supportBusse’s grassroots approach and his enthusiasm to the task at hand,turning a weekly publication into a mayoral hopeful’s soapbox isjust in bad taste. Expect Lyndon LaRouche’s clan of bleary-eyed,pseudo-libertarian fascists to take issue with the originality ofthis idea.

•  Last week, President Bush, knee-deep in anelection year, came out fighting, flashing his trademark rhetoriclaced with “freedoms” “repressive regimes” against [insert country:Cuba]. President Bush, a longtime linguistic innovator, hascontinued his quest to make the word “freedom” a violent verb.

•  Last week, amid a flurry of controversy and arecall campaign, County Commissioner Diane Linn apologized to themedia for the way that she handled the legalization of gay marriagein Multnomah County behind closed doors, without informing othercouncil members of her decision. She vowed in the future for bettercommunication, although other county commissioners were unaware ofher apology.

•  A confidential report by the internationalcommittee of the Red Cross alleges that up to 90 percent of Iraqiprisoners were detained mistakenly. In October, members of the RedCross witnessed widespread abuse at Abu Ghraib prison includingbrutality, hooding, humiliation, and threats of “imminentexecution.” While the Red Cross purported that these abuses were”tantamount to torture,” Donald Rumsfeld still purports that theGeneva Convention was a European orgy he attended in 1976.

•  Last week, the festering sitcom known as”Friends,” concerning a maladjusted group of forty-something whitepeople living in New York City without ever coming into contactwith a minority group until their last season, went off the air.Due to the incredibly slow news week (see above shivs) NBC,broadcaster of “Friends,” decided to run a myriad of “news” piecesconcerning the end of above-mentioned festering sitcom. Who wantsto see naked Iraqis when you can see Jennifer Aniston’s abs? Watchout when, next week, “Frasier” – that festering sitcom aboutforty-something white people living in Seattle encountering nominority group – receives the same treatment.

shiv (shiv) n. [Romany chiv,blade; later Prison Slang] a knife, esp. one used as a weapon, orformed by the sharpening of a spoon.

shank (shank) n. 1. a projection orwire loop on some buttons that which they are sewn to fabric. 2.[Prison Slang] a knife, esp. one formed by the sharpening of aspoon.