*Juan Manuel Alvarez has been charged with 11 counts of murder stemming from the derailment of two passenger trains when he parked his green Jeep Cherokee SUV on the tracks somewhere in the wasteland of Glendale, Calif. in an attempt to kill his own dumb ass. Alvarez jumped from his car moments before impact and now may face the death penalty. Unfortunately, Alvarez’s upcoming trial has given him something to live for.
*In Austria, a member of the Green Party has begun a campaign to revoke California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Austrian citizenship after the Last Action Hero essentially terminated a death row inmate by signing his execution order. Unfortunately, similar efforts in the U.S. haven’t been as successful since Arnold signed on to T3 a few years back.
*In the last round of pre-trial negotiations for Michael Jackson’s child-buggering trial, prosecutors scored a victory when the judge allowed the introduction of pornographic materials confiscated from Wacko Jacko’s haunted house, although the defense was able to set the linguistic boundaries of what prosecutors could discuss. Instead of calling the materials "obscene" or "pornographic," prosecutors will be limited to describing the juvenilia-themed obscene pornography as "sexually explicit." Lawyers for the defense seemed pleased with this small victory. "In Neverland, we have a different way of looking at things," the lawyers touted. "For instance, we call red wine ‘Jesus juice.’ And we call raping 12-year-old cancer patients ‘philanthropy.’"
*On Friday, Portland Mayor Tom "Potsie" Potter rode in Critical Mass, a monthly bike protest that champions non-motorized transportation. Potsie was allowed to attend on the condition that he would buy the underage activists a case of Keystone Light following the event. "This is totally different than your grandpa going to a punk rock show," organizers said. "Your grandpa doesn’t have political motivations."
* Unconcerned by Jacksonville, Fla.’s tainted water supply, David Garrett, head of the Jacksonville Baptist Association’s Super Bowl Ministry, organized and executed a prayer walk to the site of the upcoming Super Bowl XXXIX on Saturday that drew thousands of Floridians away from committing acts of violence across the county. "When they look at Jacksonville, I want them to see loving people who care about their city," Garrett told The New York Times. "I want them to see Jesus." Unfortuneately, aerial photos retrieved from NASA show Jacksonville’s five Mickey Dees alongside the mishmash of strip malls and auto supply shops looking less like Jesus and more like Pat Sajak.
*Leaders of student government, not to be outdone by middle school antics, sent e-mail notes to members of the SFC last week, urging the committee to defund OSPIRG and reinvest in the tumultuous and irreverent ASPSU. All of the notes were typed, of course, for after all that Fee Committee strokin’, student gov’s wrists must have been tired.
*USA Today: Right-wing columnists paid off by Bush Administration cronies to promote the president’s "mandated" policies are coming out of the woodwork to discuss their extra-curricular finances. Maggie Gallagher has followed Michael McManus and Armstrong Williams to become the third "journalist" to disclose payment from the federal government for supporting its agendas. Ms. Gallagher was quick to point out that what she did was not technically illegal, and that NY Times reporter Judith Miller has been surviving on government cheese for like six months now.
*On Sunday, the U.S.-led elections in Iraq were a complete and utter success. No, really! A complete and utter success! It’s fucking freedom, goddamnit! If you refuse to see this election as a complete and utter success – and the validation for a meaningless war – then don’t you have an airplane to crash into a building somewhere, you numb-nutted, pinko, commie fag? Now, you’ll have to excuse us while we at the Shivtastic desk of Shankdom cash our sweet, sweet government checks at Shop-ko. We got them for consulting – yeah, consulting.