From Shiv to Shank

Jan. 19 Howard Dean lost his momentum in the Democratic primary after showing enthusiasm at a pep rally, which became known as "The Dean Scream." While pundits emphatically placed importance on this ridiculous event, no one seemed to mind when President Bush was unable to speak during a presidential debate. Fuck yeah, America! You rock!

Feb. 1 After the United States was hypnotized by Janet Jackson’s bejeweled mammary at an otherwise uneventful Super Bowl, the FCC went on a puritanical rampage that had hedonistic exhibitionists all across the country hiding their barbeques. One thing is certain: Evangelistic Christian indignation is not on a five second delay. Vive la witch-hunt!

Feb. 25 We at the Shivtastic Desk of Shankdom always thought the Second Coming of Jesus would involve a lot of fire and brimstone or a shitload of semen. As it turned out, all He needed was some financing by Mel Gibson and, voila! You get the best S & M snuff film your grandma ever saw at church.

May 11-12 After 30 odd years, "Dirty Neil" Goldschmidt finally got his comeuppance: his aggressive sexual perversion was outed, his rampant corruption was made public, his wife was fired and he received an honorary lifetime membership to The Who’s fan club, courtesy of Pete Townshend.

June 5 The man who made ketchup a vegetable, Ronald Reagan, lost his vegetable status as he moved on to the afterlife. The former president, idol of the Christian right and B-movie actor, will be remembered by the Shivtastic Desk of Shankdom for the Iran-Contra Affair, his invasion of Grenada and his advertising campaign for Chesterfield cigarettes: "I’m sending Chesterfields to all my friends. That’s the merriest Christmas any smoker can have." -Ronald Reagan, Chesterfield ad, Life magazine, December 1956.

June 28 Following a preemptive war, the U.S. preemptively handed over a slightly damaged Iraq to some Iraqi guy, Mobil-Exxon and a dude from the State Department. Turns out "installing" Texas-style democracy into a fragile, foreign country looks a lot like an eight-year-old smashing a frog with a hammer.

August-September Yet another pivotal moment in irony*: A barrage of political ads swiftly made a decorated war hero look like a deserter and a newsroom preejaculation made a deserter look like a war hero. Postscript (addressed to Dan Rather): What’s the frequency now, asshole?!

*This pivotal moment was paid for by the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth and CBS News.

Nov. 2 Rampant homophobia, as well as Heinzophobia, helped the U.S. electorate reelect a rich, white man who pretends to be a hick over a rich, white man who pretends to be a baseball fan. But through all the hubbub, one question remains unanswered: WDJVF. Who did Jesus vote for?

November-December Just moments after the election ended, the Bush administration was finally able to agree on something: Nine out of 10 Bush administration cabinet members want to get off this sinking ship before the documents and the bodies begin to float.

December 8 Don-Don "Rummy" Rumsfeld, secretary of defense and giant ass cavity, infuriated U.S. Army servicefolk in Iraq when he plainly stated that he didn’t give a shit if they found themselves "blown the fuck up," or whatever. In fact, the only positive thing that has come out of this is the new Rumsfeld catch phrase for 2005: "You think your armor is defective? So’s your face."