Four nosebleeds in the first 30 minutes: This is pretty much the only redeeming quality of “Just Married.”
Looking beyond the numb predictability of this film leaves you looking straight through the movie screen. The persistent shallowness and nonstop injuries combine to induce suspicion as to just which cast member from “Jackass” helped produce this flick. (Actually, it was produced by Robert Simonds, whose greatest film to date is “The Wedding Singer.” So maybe it was Adam Sandler behind the scenes, not Steve-O.)
“Just Married” begins with hunky Tom Leezak (Ashton Kutcher of alien/stoner comedy “Dude, Where’s My Car?” and stoner comedy “That ’70s Show”) and princess Sarah McNerney (Brittany Murphy, easy girl No. 1 in “8 Mile” as well as fashion victim No. 8,361 in “Clueless”) walking through the airport, returning from their honeymoon. Pushing, shoving and general distasteful activities start and continue, turning the airport into a variable obstacle course. The winner? Whoever gets to the car first without bleeding too profusely.
What happened?! Honeymoons are supposed to be all lovey and romantic, full of sightseeing, picture taking and, ahem, virginity losing. Cough, cough.
But an unhappy couple? After days in Europe? With Daddy’s money? Wait right there. Sarah’s father is sickeningly rich, but Tom is paying for the honeymoon himself, proud and determined not to be indebted to the in-laws. Sarah, after growing out of, as Tom puts it, “such a hard childhood (ha ha)” cannot comprehend her family hates her working-class husband.
Luckily, all the emotional troubles the imperfect couple face, and there are many, are lightened by a pervasive theme of physical pain. “Just Married” gives you heads hitting walls, feet stepping through crates, 10-pound ashtrays being hurled at foreheads, feet stuck in airplane toilets and damaged flight attendants generously referred to as “Stew” by the poor little rich girl. Of course, what would the fated meeting of the lovely couple be without a Marcia Brady moment? Yes, Tom does hit Sarah in the face with a flying football. Now she’ll never be a teen model!
Fortunately for those scarce girls who are against Sarah’s slumming with Tom, there is a second love object. Peter Prentiss. Unfortunately, there should be another “s” added to his last name, because he tries to snake his way into Sarah’s pants way too many times. She is a married woman, after all, and still on her honeymoon! But Tom comes to the rescue with a fireplace poker, and hilarity resumes.
In lieu of ruining all the jokes, this review must end quickly! Admittedly, this reviewer did laugh often through the movie. However, this reviewer does not get out much. But how many people actually hate corny love stories? Even the most self-important smarty-pants, with enough marijuana in their bloodstream, could enjoy this movie. Just wait until it comes out on video. However, one should avoid smoking the reefer while watching this movie, as one only has so many brain cells left to lose.