Today’s Birthday (April 28)
Masks are often used in tribal rituals (such as birthdays). Followtradition and hide your hideous face from view.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Your new theme song shall be “Mr. Roboto.”
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Don’t hate the world, Taurus. Turn the hate inward where it canreally make a difference.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
The next time dancing mannequin heads haunt your dreams, embracethem as you would your own mother. You will learn a valuable lessonabout your own vulnerability. And headlessness.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Stock up on Tums and licorice.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Ignore all references to Judy Garland in the coming weeks.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
If you could only understand the depths of your own mind, you wouldno longer be mystified by your inherent fear of grapes.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Stop lending your credit card to prostitutes.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Be observant or risk acid rain.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
They say that whenever God closes a door, he opens a window.However, if this window happens to be on the upper portion of ahigh-rise do not use it in lieu of the closed door.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Your dream of joining a breakdancing commune will only lead to backinjury.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
No matter what you may have heard, marinated cacti are not commonbarbeque fare.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
You ate my Tootsie-pop, didn’t you, you bastard?