Aries
March 21-April 19
Zombies that are afraid of sunlight are proof that sun can be good for you at the right moments. So lather on the sunscreen and head outside this week!
Taurus
April 20-May 20
People have been intrigued by the idea of cross-pollination for a long time, but there are just some things that shouldn’t be made into a hybrid. Chihuahuas are proof of this.
Gemini
May 21-June 20
When you make a new friend, it’s always good to have common interests to bond over. For instance, stopping your evil aunt from taking over the world with a giant cat.
Cancer
June 21-July 22
If you’re going to steal things, make sure they’re not cursed items. I’d hate for you to take a camera from someone’s house only to find it shows you the most disturbing future possible.
Leo
July 23-August 22
If the Mummy movies have taught me anything, it’s that going to Egypt is a rookie mistake. Not only is it hot, but nine times out of ten you’ll meet a mummy out for revenge.
Virgo
August 23-September 22
Everyone has that mysterious box in the attic, Virgo, but sometimes leaving well enough alone will keep you from looking into a mirror that will bring your evil reflection into the real world.
Libra
September 23-October 22
Dummies are creepy and proof that the devil walks among us. You want an innocent new hobby? Stay away from dummies and magic. Maybe try ghost-hunting.
Scorpio
October 23-November 21
It’s not funny to trick someone into thinking things that don’t exist do exist. Because nine times out of ten, you’re actually speaking that thing into existence.
Sagittarius
November 22-December 21
If campers at your summer camp start disappearing on you or getting mysteriously injured, chances are that you were actually all ghosts the whole time and none of it is real.
Capricorn
December 22-January 19
Premonitions are tricky things, Cappi. You might think one thing is happening but then find out that your next door neighbor is a ghost who saved your life. Or tried to.
Aquarius
January 20-February 18
Why can’t you just appreciate the costume your mother makes you for Halloween? Trying on some old person mask won’t make you cool, it’ll just make you old and grumpy.
Pisces
February 20-March 19
Do us all a favor this week and just be careful of what you wish for. Sometimes wishing to be a graceful ballerina can have dark consequences.
