Horoscopes for the week of March 31


March 21-April 19
Have you been watching BoJack Horseman? You should be watching BoJack Horseman. You’ll notice that guy from Breaking Bad’s voice is in it.


April 20-May 20
Phil Robertson is proof why old people should be put into nursing homes, so they can’t hurt us with their ignorance.


May 21-June 20
Ted Cruz has inspired me to run for president. I mean, honestly, I’m a better candidate than him. A toaster in a wig is a better candidate than him.


June 21-July 22
Why are there so many bakers that want to discriminate against queer people? What, are we not allowed to like cake because of our “sinful lifestyles”?


July 23-August 22
You know, I always liked Jon Stewart. And now John Oliver is starting to grow on me. But I just don’t get Larry Wilmore and I wish I could.


August 23-September 22
Looking isn’t getting renewed which is sad, but each episode felt like it took a year to finish, so it’s kind of like having a full series.


September 23-October 22
Did you cry during the Glee finale? I will admit that I cried. And cheered a little when I saw Dave. What was up with having to deal with that 2009 episode though?


October 23-November 21
Sure, you can buy Dunkaroos from Canada through Amazon. The unfortunate thing is that they come to you stale and the frosting is all congealed. Sigh.


November 22-December 21
The best piece of advice my great uncle Herb ever gave me was to invest in lots of post-it notes. He had ones that were shaped like fish wearing sombreros.


December 22-January 19
Okay, explain to me how I’m ever going to read a 900 page textbook. I mean, I’m not a bio major or anything but this seems both extensive and silly.


January 20-February 18
I’ve never liked who they cast for Belle in Once Upon A Time. Also, not a fan of Henry. I hope he actually turns out to be Piglet. I always hated Piglet.


February 20-March 19
Cher’s twitter feed is prove that sometimes you shouldn’t get to meet your heroes. Because they might disappoint and or confuse you.