Kicking ass presidential style

This week, The Vanguard was granted an exclusive, intimate interview with a man who claims to be President George W. Bush to discuss his recent turn in Hollywood, and I was given the pleasure of talking candidly with him at the Market Street Pub.

First of all, Mr. President, I just have to say this-you’ve got a tremendously large unit!

GWB: Oh my goodness. Thank you!

I mean really, really huge! I can see it from here.

GWB: Okay, well now I’m embarrassed. The press is usually so caught up in discussing political issues – nobody’s ever noticed before.

Well it’s just gorgeous.

GWB: Thank you.

Our readers will probably be wondering why an Arts & Culture reporter has been given this interview. Can you clue them in?

GWB: Well, I assume this is in regards to my role in the new action thriller “Sahara.”

It’s an incredible film. And you are incredible in it.

GWB: [Laughs] More compliments! Thanks, I had so much fun doing it.

Was it difficult making the jump from leader of the free world to movie star?

GWB: Actually, it’s funny. Usually we get entertainers moving to politics, but rarely does it go the other way. And don’t let anybody tell you acting is easy!

I won’t. But surely hanging out with it-girl Penelope Cruz in 120-degree weather relieved some of the stress! I mean, there’s not much clothing going on there!

GWB: No, definitely not. Let’s see…I could get into a lot of trouble here! Paging Dr. Clinton! [laughs] Seriously though, Miss Cruz is a wonderful woman of color.

She’s Spanish, right?

GWB: I think so. Anyway, most of the filming took place in the Sahara, so everyone felt like a fish out of water. Except for Penelope, who is a native to that part of the world. So it was a comfort, knowing that we had this beautiful emissary of the Arab, Mexican nations.

That’s a good point you bring up. There has been a lot of criticism, certainly on an international level, about this country’s understanding and acceptance of foreign cultures. Do you think Hollywood can play a role in reversing some of that bad blood?

GWB: Definitely. I think it’s a real testament to the shifting social tide when movies like, say, “Guess Who” and “Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo” are box-office hits. Things are changing, people are becoming more tolerant, and movies are certainly tackling these tough diversity issues.

So does that mean you’re considering a top government position for Ashton Kutcher?

GWB: No, but I’d like to see Penelope Cruz in a top government position! [Offers a high-five].

Sir, you are an American treasure. Real quick – what’s your favorite movie, Mr. President?

GWB: That’s a no-brainer. I’d have to say “Tron.”

Check, please!