Let’s talk about sex: truths, half-truths and fallacies

Sex is like baking a batch of cinnamon buns: sometimes it’s too sticky, sometimes it’s as dry as dust, sometimes it’s too bland or too sweet. Sex can be too soft or too hard, and sometimes you just can’t get anything to rise. Luckily, the Vanguardspoke to sex therapist Karla Baur of Baur Clinical Associates, who explained problems that might come up and their possible solutions.

Vanguard: What are some typical issues that patients come to you for?

Baur: A very, very common sexual issue that I see is couples that are upset because one person has a higher libido than the other person. Often they’re trying to know if something is wrong with one of them or if it’s just normal differences in levels of sexual interest, which is usually what it is. There’s a wide range of what’s normal, so a lot of what we do is help people see what’s normal. Lots of people don’t have a problem—they just don’t seem to fit what their partner wants or what the media seems to portray what they should be doing.

Typically, a guy might be upset because, for example, his female partner doesn’t want to have sex as much as he does. He may wonder if there’s something wrong with her or if he’s obsessed with sex.

Lots of people may also think they have a sexual problem when it’s actually a relationship problem. Someone might come in and say they don’t want to have sex, but it might turn out that they are just really angry with their partner or they’re really hurt.

V: Is this kind of behavior more typical for men or for women?

B: It’s more typical for women to pull back sexually when the relationship isn’t going well. Men seem to be able to override that and still want to have sex even when the relationship isn’t going well.

V: How are these types of issues resolved?

B: Sometimes people come in thinking they have a sexual problem but we end up just doing general couple’s counseling because it’s really more of a relationship issue.

V: What’s a common misconception people have about sex?

B: That you’re supposed to be able to “do it” at any time. Men especially feel there’s something wrong with them if they don’t feel like they want to have sex all the time. That’s a stereotype. In fact, men’s libidos go up and down, along with other kinds of issues.

A very common bit of misinformation for women is that a lot of women think there’s something wrong with them when they can’t have an orgasm during intercourse, with just intercourse alone. In fact, that’s very normal and common. Some women don’t know that and some men also don’t know that. Some men assume that, ‘Well, my other partners could climax during intercourse but this partner can’t, so what’s wrong with her?’ We work a lot on stuff like that.

V: What’s your outlook on porn?

B: Aside from all the moral issues surrounding porn, it’s really giving young people a distorted view about what real-life sex is like. For example, women [in porn] don’t need much foreplay, thery’re just ready to be penetrated and then they climax instantly…that’s just really very misleading.

A lot of young men start watching porn as young teenagers and looking at lots of internet porn, and I really think it is changing people’s expectations about sex in a really harmful way.

The other thing I see about porn is young men who are coming into counseling with sexual dysfunction, either can’t get erections or they can’t have an orgasm. I find out they’ve been watching an awful lot of porn. The kind of brain stimulation that comes with looking at porn on a screen is really changing what’s going on in men’s brains as far as sexual arousal. A lot of men are finding it difficult to get aroused and be satisfied with a real-life woman when they’ve been watching a lot of porn. It never occurs to them that there’s a connection between their difficulties with their partner and their use of porn.

If there’s one thing I have to say for guys is that they should be really aware that the more they use internet porn, the more they are setting themselves up for some serious sexual problems.

There’s some ways that porn can be fun for a couple to look at together. They can use it to get some ideas. But, that’s very different than someone compulsively using porn on their own.

V: What are the issues you see amongst queer and transgender couples?

B: Their issues are really the same as heterosexual couples.

V: What should someone do if they’re feeling anxious about having sex with a partner?

B: Well first, talk about it with your partner. If you’re not comfortable enough to talk to your partner about sex, you probably shouldn’t be having sex with your partner.

But if you’re talking about it with your partner and you still can’t resolve that anxiety, then it’s probably a good idea to talk to a counselor about it.

It’s often the sort of thing where it only takes a couple of sessions for someone to get some information and some tools to calm themselves down. Sometimes it’s more of a manifestation of a general anxiety disorder—someone that’s having anxiety in various areas of their lives. Sometimes we focus more on general ideas for dealing with anxiety and the sexual anxiety will get better along the way.

V: What are some tips that can help someone improve their sex life significantly?

B: Take time. Don’t be in a rush. Get to know your own body and don’t expect your partner to be a mind reader. Be able to communicate about what’s comfortable for you and what’s not.

In terms of levels of interest—how important sex is, it’s very important to take into account that early on in the relationship, the way people are is not necessarily the way they are going to be later on. Most people are a lot more interested in sex when the relationship starts. So there’s nothing wrong with you if you start out in the relationship wanting to have sex all the time with the new partner but later are satisfied with sex once or twice a week—that’s very normal.

If you make a life-time commitment to someone when you’re still in that early stage in the relationship, you may have a surprise later on when things settle down and people go back to their norm.

V: Any final advice to the readers?

B: People weren’t meant to “do it” any time all the time, no matter what’s going on in their lives. I want people to resist the messages they are getting from the media and drug companies and realize there’s a wide range of what’s normal out there.